Death is final. Grief is an individual process. All that you feel… you need to feel

, is just what you need to do, I have been told. Now I have experienced it. Except for the feeling of joining you’re lost loved one, it can be surprisingly real-fight that urge as real as it may feel. Embrace the sadness, recognize, allow, and let go, find your gratitude, and replace it with a warm heart feeling. Breathing, 3 deep ones, is a process you might want to practice. It helped me.  It is not easy for many to allow their grieving to process but stuffing is not good to do, I believe it causes dis-ease. This is a second Journal of a great loss. Thoughts for the moments of the passing of a loved one

Here is a very good video, close to how it can be, worth your time to watch 3-18-23 ..https://www.davidkesslertraining.com/Understanding-Loss?fbclid=IwAR1pmd9B7jaxTInf_0ymzt4A2-vUyP7fIxE5CUAPHRi5xSdBZeI-OHom8w0

1-12-2021 found this today pretty good list of possibilities;

NORMAL MANIFESTATIONS OF GRIEF 

      1.  Loss of appetite, nausea, diarrhea 

      2.  Feeling of emptiness in the stomach 

      3.  Lump in the throat 

      4.  Tightness in the chest 

      5.  Feeling of weakness 

      6   Palpitations 

      7.  Inability to sleep, early morning awakening, extreme fatigue

           8.  Grinding the teeth during sleep 

       9.  Dryness of the mouth 

    10.  Inability to concentrate, forgetfulness regarding what is being done in the middle of a task, forget what is being said in the middle of a sentence 

    11.  Loss of time perception 

    12.  Difficulty with remembering or maintaining a schedule 

    13.  Intense sense of loneliness and feeling of social isolation 

    14.  Overwhelming sense of sadness 

    15.  Longing for life to return to the way it was 

    16.  Crying at unanticipated times 

    17.  Over-sensitivity to noise 

       18.  Breathlessness, frequent sighing 

    19.  Restlessness, inability to complete normal tasks or read a book 

    20.  Experience occasions of resentment that “life goes on” for others 

    21.  Hear, smell, and see loved ones, particularly in familiar settings 

    22.  Need to retell the details of the loss again and again 

    23.  Experience a feeling of anger at the loved one for dying 

    24.  Temporarily attempt to preserve life “as it was” for the loved one 

    25.  Have recurrent feelings of guilt or remorse 

    26.  Assume the characteristics, and mannerisms of the loved one 

    27.  Have a sense of unreality about life and the death of the loved one

10-20-20 Again I write much for myself most likely I know. Death for me I found tends to cause isolation from others and I do not want my fellow humans who read this to feel alone in the world. (I find) very few talk about.  Join your local grief group, to talk. Important if you have lost those friends who wish to hear you. Words spoken out loud I found are a key to healing however you are able to do it.  While I hope to just give some understanding of the fog and so much more. Like your mind whispers to your heart in moments the fog is thin saying; you will never see them again or touch, hold, hear, on and on…this is when you give these thoughts their recognition and then move to what you can feel grateful for and hold those thoughts. Patience and forgiveness for self may be part.

Most importantly I believe Grief as stress if not embraced and processed but stuffed or ignored instead is dis-ease left unattended and will someday grow into a disease growing somewhere in your body. Something I believe and understand others do not. So many just say move on, but that does not process your grief my belief.  It is important for you to gain knowledge between grieving feeling sorrow and depression.  If you do not seek experts (as I do) to meet with then at least read and educate yourself-knowledge is important. Grief and depression I find is a fine line between them and it takes knowledge and work for me.  As I do not accept taking a prescription to make things appear better. Some recommended reading https://www.verywellmind.com/tips-for-living-with-depression-1066834 also https://www.verywellmind.com/grief-and-depression-1067237

A bit of back story, my childhood dream was imagining me and all my friends and family living together on the same land trading what we needed with each other. There was no graveyard in my imagined life, I have avoided accepting death as long as I could.

The beginning

10-15-20 a Thursday I got a call from a neighboring town’s hospital asking me as next of kin to authorize treatment. That my baby girl my firstborn was admitted for Liver and Kidney failure and they were working on her now that if I called back that evening they ought to be able to tell me more. I never learned more as she locked her file from any information being allowed to anyone. ( a crazy lesson to learn) Days past the family doing their best to find out what we could from her mate sworn by her to silence. My daughter had the same disease as my Mother’s chronic alcoholism but sadly she did not inherit my Mothers cast iron organs to handle such consumption.

By Saturday the 17th the hospital called me again asking permission to continue treatment, but could not tell me anything-the rules our governing system creates!!!!! But her mate was giving in and he soon opened communication with her father as I had kindly been asking him to do, through texting one another as he had no phone service. It was beautiful and my heart warmed…..her Father was at her side for days.

When they put her on the ventilator Saturday, October 17th my hopes for her went 50-50. I knew new things could go either way and other thoughts I will share later.  I suppressed my thoughts of losing her and focused on this being an opportunity for new beginnings. I called on our amazing family for group prayers, omes, and spirit ceremonies later in the week at 9 pm each night-powerful, my experience.

10-22-20 Beginning of the week her Father arrived they meant so much to each other, seriously!!!. He stayed with her for days, driving from the youngest Son’s home, where the oldest Son joined them for a day. Thursday my daughter’s Son, my grandson (we live together), and I drove to the next town Coeur d Alene, Kootenai General Hospital. My Grandson made the choice to go see his Mother. We met Her Father, and her two brothers and had things to take care of plus a visit. We all stayed strong-no drama everyone just loving, this warmed my heart. Only one moment I lost it as I watched her Son agree to the DNR was all it took.

I turned and cried till the other end of the parking lot and found a wonderful boulder size rock and collapsed in the pebbles to whale loudly crying. It is what I do to get it out and I knew my grandson knew what I was doing so no family would follow hoping he would let them know I would be OK. Anyways I have wrapped myself as best I can holding this rock and also hoping no one taps my shoulder to ask if I am ok. I would have had to say “No I am NOT!!” or “What does this look like” not sure I would have been nice, I guess. But I got it out and felt some relief. (You can do what you have to do, just go let it out.)

This is when we all regathered at Tubbs Hill for a hike together, enjoying talks one on one trading off. We spent time on a rock cliff throwing rocks at a pine cone my youngest Son had thrown in the lake for us to try to hit. It was therapeutic I think for all of us. On the walk back their Father and I enjoyed old times, stories of her and our old friends, even laughing together. I heard later we really warmed our Son’s hearts as they had not seen this between their Mother and Father for very many years. I sadly thanked my daughter for bringing us together again, thinking she was also enjoying it.  Then the next day-a longest day ever passed waiting to hear about her improvement but nothing good.

10-24-20 With the covid Virus only one person every 24 hours was allowed in to see her.  Saturday the hospital was open to those who wanted to see her up to 4 to say goodbyes. I called her Father at her side and he put the phone to her ear to say my goodbyes. I had her Son at home with me and knew she did not want me or him to see her this way-I felt to /respect her wishes like to honor her. That afternoon I was told with her father holding her hand on one side of her and her little brother holding the other while Over the Rainbow played they disconnected her from support and let her go peacefully. I felt she was at peace.

BACKSTORY; October 24th the same date we lost our sweet loving grandson, just a toddler, the same date in 2009! Then 2 years later I stayed with my very best lifelong friend at that time of 47 years as she ascended the same date!!!. I can only imagine it is some kind of portal. Today her Son who lives with me and was with me the morning his Pappy and my husband who unexpectedly died in our arms in 12 minutes 0n 2/2/2016 we experienced tragic losses and others.

10-25-20 I did wake this morning thinking I am still alive and living times, in the past I saw it as humanly impossible yet here I am. Honestly, I cannot question myself, that may be all it would take to burst the veil of strength around me. I do wonder if in the past years of mourning the thought of living this day.  Her years of alcoholism knowing it is killing her! Thinking of all the things we did to try and help her, failing!!. Is it the few talks with my counselor that these times will come? Outliving your Child?!!! Or is it the Mother’s strength for her living family, siblings, or my past experiences of living through other unimaginable losses? Was it the many times my Mother’s intuition “that filled me”  then I would reach out to her with my love each time she fell ill and I would mourn her again.

11-5-2020 Yesterday was the Birth of my Baby Girl. I mourned her leaving for years as she slowly was killing herself. Years ago she was told she would die because her liver could not handle the alcohol she consumed. But she could not stop but for a short time at times. last time a few years back she stopped as she was so yellow from her liver poisoned. For years I have grieved but I never thought so far as to think of living on her Birthday and she was not. On a Sunny day 2 days before her Birthday, I sat in the Sun as the coming grey days were predicted. I sat with my Pony embracing my sorrow and that she was gone. I had not been eating just did not desire food but for the next 2 days I cooked meals and ate them. The week continued to be full of reality settling in for my grandson also we did our best to continue eating even though we really were not hungry. Sadly we have done this before after my husband died, not that it is easier. It is different each time and we used our knowledge and experience to do our best taking care of ourselves and feeling grateful that we had each other. UA-3648303-4

11-11-20 My daughter I want to believe she did not spend time with me or share her life. I feel it was because she wanted to spare me the hurt she knew I would feel by being able to see that she was not caring for herself. She loved me enough to spare me the pain and yet gave me her Son, I know this sounds odd but how I choose to see it. Since her son was 3 he has had a room in once our home. He spent most of his time out of school time here.

He has lived here full-time now since June 2019. Going home to visit with her at times. This last June he said she spent most of her time in bed and he was just realizing that his Mother was a chronic alcoholic. He came home here and asked me if he can get refunds on his Mom. Interesting way for a Son to see his Mother I felt.

11-13-20 I learned this morning why I have been taking nighttime showers and not my morning ones as I have done for years. In my morning shower, I have a shut-off value above my shower head ( you might want one). It allows me to stop the flow of water keeping the temperature the same. This is when I turn it off, kneel down into a child’s pose and say my gratitude and speak the Names of lost Loved ones hoping to give them a tingle or something that they are remembered and loved wherever it is that they are.

I cried hard when I added her name and this is when I realized why I had not been taking my morning showers. Understanding this is good, it encourages those emotions, and I can hold back, letting me embrace my sorrows and let them out. I then thank them for their time with me, our life together, and all that they gave to me to go forward in life with.

11-17-20 Wow I had not realized so many days have passed since I took a morning shower, as I did this morning but I did not speak, I could not. I am already holding emotions as I know we will be going to her house for the first time to get things…

During this grieving time, I feel like I just got plunked down to ride a rapid river, with resting coves, that I have smiled often during this whole time-different.

11-18-20 We (grandson and I ) did get the call to come to load my car and her car for him to have if we take over the debt owed. We arrived to already packed boxes and trash bags of her clothes. We held it together while her mate cried a lot of the time. I had an intense rush of emotions when I saw her Horse show award belt buckle same as mine, I grabbed it and slid it into my back pocket. It was what some might say was a sober time for us as we visited and some stories were told where I heard so often how much she was like her Mother-o my heart. She even wore her clothes out in the same places I do. I had known she was very much like me. I at her age decided not to be anymore. For years now I have talked to her about the difference once you decide to make changes as I knew she was that me I was, with my mother’s drinking needs.

11-19-20 emotional Morning after the last two days and going through 2 big black trash bags of her clothes-had too. Yesterday I drove to the next town to have my car serviced where my grandson’s other grandmother lives. So while the service was being done she picked us up and went back to her place to visit. It was hard to hear the grandson tell a story of him driving around town with his Mom and him knowing she was drunk-I never knew this story or that he had seen his mother like this, hard for me. She hid her drinking so he never knew his Mother was under the influence most of his life.

11-28-20 Thanksgiving I had to watch my grandson grieve for his Mother, he loves her cooking and how she loved to cook. He appears angry when he hurts and it is heartbreaking for me to see. If only I had that magic wand to wave and make all be grateful with joy. So I dressed in a wild tropical dress and made fun of the day for him as best I could. I cooked a Turkey with my favorite dressing and some yams. We did not eat together at a table but in our own spaces. He needs to grieve I know.

We have a choice about what we think whether we want to believe it is this simple or not. Grieving never has an end. You either stuff it for later or as a disease in your body or you challenge yourself to process it. It is not all at once but comes up when hopefully you can embrace it allowing the painful emotions to be released and in your mind replace them with your love and gratitude for that person, sometimes a tragic event, place, or, loss of a pet. Make your thoughts choose a comforting memory in place of hurt.

A thought; My daughter had the most beautiful soul and she just could not allow herself to connect. She had a disease that kept her Earthly vessel numb and she could not beat it, with such sadness I do not want to believe the loss. But now she is at Peace and her Soul is Free…

12-3-20 Well 3 days ago was really hard to think kinda day, forgetting things, just hard to think about whatever I tried to do. Well, it still seems true to my past grief experience. It means I need to allow myself to cry and embrace my sorrow bringing in grateful memories for each sorrow. I can be so stubborn and I have not had my grief mentor to help as much as in the past experiences. So yesterday was full of small bursts of tears, but today it came to the big heartfelt cry. Crazy now I can think-weird how that works. Not saying it may be the same for you but maybe you will recognize your own process. You are in my thoughts it is work to feel a warm heart when thinking of someone you have lost. It is how I choose to honor the lives they shared with me.

12-7-20 Since my Grandson and I have experienced loss together when I say we need to walk he joins in. Often we talk at the beginning of the walk about how we do not want to be doing this but know we ought to. Every time by the end of the walk we let each other know that this was good and glad we made ourselves do it. Kinda the same with eating some days, grateful we have each other to help each other.

12-11-20 Grandfather, my husband who acceded/died very suddenly in our arms 2-2-2016 one morning after he called us out of bed. It was his Birthday yesterday and having Daughter’s feelings mixed in sure made it a bit different. Do I have to say I feel a little proud of myself for the choices I made yesterday-feels good?-hmm always a bit of a cringe feeling to say I feel good when she -they are gone.

Choice; I have to add that to my bucket of Dislikes,(been in the bucket since I was very young 🙂 )  Assumption, Jealousy, Expectations!, responsibility, unconditionally, they hold so much for just a written word I have learned over the past years, but that’s in another blog. Grandson has been feeling things, holiday stuff. We did get a Christmas tree yesterday. It feels like last year was the first time we really did a tree and decor. At least since my husband passed in 2016

!2-18-20 Spent yesterday staying out of the Kitchen while my Grandson baked cookies for Christmas gifts-warmed my heart. Today he woke up very dark. Days have been harder; it seems at least 4 days, maybe more. I was thinking how grief can be a process for some of just embracing those heartache memory moment waves kinda. Then in time introduce another thought of being a heartwarming memory to be reminded of a time. Kinda heartache to a warm heart isn’t what we all want our family to feel when we are gone. I believe never forgotten, none of them and all that they shared with me, it is an honor feeling. I do not have waves as often this time, I ​do ​believe it is due to fewer memories to process-I’m thinkin’.  More of how my daughter gave her love to me, protecting me. Sniff Then for me is the struggle with being content and not wanting.

12-22-2020 My heart is aching so much today!!! I find I am not able to embrace my emotions when they rise for fear her Son will hear. I wrote to my grief meeting group leader yesterday updating him and he said this; Yes, I am thinking that the two of you could do the grief acceptance group class, yourself. I could send you the paperwork and exercises. One is to write a letter to your loved one and then have a ceremony where you burn it so it can go to the other side. Let me know your thoughts.I told him that sounded wonderful.

12-28-20 Well Grandson and I did well making the best memories for our Christmas day then both of us stayed in bed almost till Noon the next day and in our own spaces full of our grief. Intense sorrow that day and the past few days. You have heard me say how important it is to allow those emotions a place to go, to let them out. It is not something I am good at telling those I love the most. I just hoped for them and last night a call from my daughter (Katherine’s younger sister)helping her through her huge explosion of harbored grief took​ over her and scared her. I will return,​ have to go for now.

1-9-21 Big heartache today, lots of good tears. Being my Birthday as I woke I remembered today was one of those special days I would see or hear from my baby girl and since it is just one of two special days I had not really realized my dependence on it till I woke this morning. My grandson and I have been doing better the last maybe 4 days but the 5-6 days before were very grey outside and we both were trading our dark moments and even darker moments trying not to influence the other by staying to ourselves as best we could while living together. We pretty much live as separate as we can normally. He rarely shares his time with me downstairs and I rarely spend time upstairs except to sleep. Food brings us together most often for him to take back upstairs.

1-12-21ish In reading on grief this article was written around the need for medication they would say after 6 months if you are not better then you need help with a drug. I have definitely decided your deep grief is going to last as long as it takes you to have memories that bring warmth to your heart when you think of them. So depending on the times shared or your closeness along with your own personality is how long it will take without a prescription. I have used many Natural herbs and remedies so you know, for anxiety and to avoid depression in the past.  I just started the microdose program as I am struggling with staying away from depression. https://www.kmbc.com/article/psilocybin-mushrooms-rewire-brain-ease-depression-anxiety/40258705#

1.19.21 My daughter and I had the best time watching a horseshow rail class and seeing who called the placing the closest to the judges, maybe ya had to have been there. Grief has been very active; the grey days help it out.

1.26.21 That River I am in seems to have some murky dark lagoons to wallow in, then swim out of. Feeling the 30 years of my life past experience in self-suffering having very little gratitude, and feeling conflicted. I am realizing my daughter is gone…

1.30.21 It seems this has been a Month since the reality that she has died. I do not think even a handful of mornings I woke without tears then or sometime in the days. Some days all day several times after allowing the 3 days of deep sorrow doing what I have to do like personal care, and participate in life. Having to hold on to kindness, love, gratitude, and forgiveness is the most difficult right now to have for me. I have decided my ability to self-destruct is a genetic inheritance, from my Mom’s mom.

2-13-21 Last week went by well so last weekend I sorted through her things been working that through. Then yesterday her mate told me about how she got to the hospital. As she wanted no one to know her business information has been at a trickle. Today I tried to process what I learned. An ambulance, a med-flight, he never got to talk to her as she was unconscious.  He said he understood now how it was for me to lose my husband suddenly without words. It may be the isolation we are in but I feel so so lonely in this grief, trying to do the best I can, it is what I know. Our minds can be so cruel, an odd statement when you know it is our choice what we think. In the list above “days of lost time and perception” I find I have to dig deep for patience, as it can feel so close to just losing it, I think. The essence I have felt was that sadly personal material things of your lost one and the more you remember them with joy the stronger the essence. Maybe it is one for my lexicon, I googled it and found nothing as I think, said smiling. 2/22 Long dark day-weather is way too gloomy for processing grief easier and the isolation has not helped, underwater

3-7-21 March is here to march us into Spring I have always thought. Finding the grey day hard to even do my chores. It was my chores that helped me through the unexpected loss of my husband in 2016. This time I find it difficult to even do my chores.

3-12-21 The Sun has been with us for a few days and I have felt capable, so gotten some things done that were needed like correspondence for her car sitting in my drive for her Son, behind in months of payments. some walks also, I was thinking about grief and what it has given, I do not think I can get any more humbled, since my husband passed I have seen what Ego is in myself-interesting. I have gratitude embedded in my daily life along with forgiveness which I have embraced and has such a broad way of applying, I never saw before. So much love for them I have had to allow back within myself, sometimes I could explode with all this love. I miss them all my husband, my daughter, my lifelong best friend, my other best friend, my grandson, my brother, my nephew and so many other friends all such beautiful humans-lucky me to of share some of their lives and selves with me, I will always hold them close..

3-14-21 This morning I realized when writing to a friend that my memories of her before these last 10 years still hurt my heart, my baby, my beautiful daughter, that she could not get beyond her addiction. Then with all the past 10 years with all the grief I had for her, those memories give me a kinda comfort, maybe not the perfect word, but that she is at peace. Such a confusing loss to process.

3-24-21 a grey day, today some photos came to me of memories of her that brought me heartache, I feel a good needed cry shall come. While going through her things I left her robe sitting on a chair now for some time. Today I picked it up and held it tight smelling her scent. It helped me shed the tears that I did not want to stuff within myself. Yesterday i felt some anger and confusion about why she could not just not drink. Last year she gave me her jacket and I think she knew at that time that her liver was too far gone. Oh how I wish she would have invited me to be with her in this last year. She was always a strong-willed person, I believe she was protecting me. Much stronger than I and as I say that I think of her older brother saying “I don’t think so Mom, you are the strongest person I know.” Things we do not see in ourselves is never-ending. Our children teach us so so much if we are willing to learn. Feels like a day to process.

4-9-21 Grandson said yesterday that it is still not real to him and that he knew it was coming to do to his own observation of her health. Last night I thought about how when someone so near a dear to you dies, it leaves you with the Trauma of it to process before you can allow grieving. Just my experience. Just take extra care, and trade heartache for warm-hearted thoughts as they would want for you as often as you can. Embrace, nurture, and do something you enjoy.

4-11-21 I just re-read this and made very few corrections as I have found the errors to be an expression of the moment. As healing advances so does the writing so please understand. Yesterday was her god-mothers my best lifelong friend’s birthday to celebrate if she was her. it was a day of fog brain or melancholy sure a beautiful word how it rolls off the tongue but for such sadness, the English language my thoughts another story.

5-15-21 Been a very long Month in the weeks prior to Mother’s Day. Thoughts of how it was Ted and Katherine who always made sure Mother’s Day was special. One or the other always made sure I got my Fuchsia basket, how I never told her how much I appreciated her for always caring for my Birthday and mothers Day even though we did not hang out much we did talk and shop at Yokes on occasion. I always learned from her this I did let her know. All my healthier living was inspired and taught by her. Lots of crying this Month and even though Mother’s Day has passed it has not. At least once or twice a day big heart cries. I have gone to weekly music nights for 20-some years most with Ted. They recently began them again after 14 months of Civid 19 isolation. A new person came and played Ted’s kay. The first I have heard it played with such strong fingers as Ted’s. It sent me outside to process my emotions and grateful it is a place safe to do. Oh my heart aches today I must find something wonderful to do. I so desire a shoulder to cry on.

7-6-21 Well kinda feeling the same as written in May.

8-3-21 Today was a wedding day to the best man ever Ted Bowers also gone, remaining in our hearts, I find no kindness in death for the loved ones left behind maybe if it is a lesson learned might be a kindness-maybe. Today I will let this be public I still cry a bit most days for the loss of my daughter and others sometimes. It is good means I am allowing the process after so many years of guidance I am allowing myself sorrow. No one is here to give me something to cry about as my Mother told me :). A generational thing.

Almost 9-2021 I went to get coffee and saw a young woman that looked like Katherine, it brought me to some very hard tears. I took my coffee to the barn and cuddled in the hay to cry hard. So grateful for a barn to go to. Still crying today. So in working grief you feel where the pain is with my husband it was in my chest. But this with Katherine it is in my throat-says I had more to say to her. It is ok, I have cried not every day this month but most.

10-5-21, Life has been hard with my girl gone. I have cried each day since my last post. I also learned I have childhood issues that do not help in my letting go. Self-work has been abundant. I can hear Ted saying time to take a break, I wish our lives were still together, my time now was never foreseen. Life is not all hard I do find some fun just seems harder to do. Had to get vaccinated and since my energy has been little-making life harder. I feel the 24th when she died nearing each day wondering what she was doing last year at this time-was She hurting most likely if only we could have talked. So much unsaid happens when you do not talk.

10-18-21 O the tears are getting harder, today they seem unstoppable thinking of her last year at this time now on life support.

12-27-2021 Well it seems I am just a weepy person maybe making up for all the years “I could not cry unless my Mom would give me something to cry about.” I refer to it being a life commandment. It is the most memorable tool I received to begin my self-search. I missed this one until I started to learn about processing grief. In the late 90’s in a class I had to list all my “life Commandments” and then read out loud to an empty chair to the person who gave me the commandment, thanking them and letting them know it is not a commandment for me to continue living with. Grieving has been just as much grief as learning about myself for me. Seems I find myself clearing room within myself to embrace and hold on to or make part of me the things I love of my lost loved one. The things that warm my heart about them. I have cried almost every day as I did the second year after my husband died unexpectedly. Another on 10-25-2021 my next-door renter of 9 years died of Covid unexpectedly and I am finding I have the most anger than ever in grieving his loss. Just starting to get beyond the disbelief of it. My lovely daughter’s Son and I did good over the Holidays, I am proud of us. We enjoyed pleasant heart-warming moments new memories together.

1-6-22 Been hearing her voice in my head…

1-13-22 Her Son is not living in the house now full time now and I have had the freedom to process my emotions with less concern about worrying my grandson. Oh he has heard me cry but not a deep hard cry, it would have just worried him.  I enjoyed 2 times now, so needed. Yesterday the day started out good I thought then when returning home from a run to the store. When I pulled to the side of the road to let it pass. As I watched it driving towards Hope/ClarkFork where she lived, I cried so hard!!! The day before at CO-op I ran into a high school classmate of hers who loved her and did not know she was no longer with us. It is hard to give hurt to someone with the news.

4-7-22 Was a good winter for shedding emotions and doing the work to process. The other day I woke with that hard to think I may have mentioned before. Know I had tears to process I embraced them for most of the days. It was hard but good. The next day I talked with a friend about it as she too lost a daughter. When I said to her that yesterday I was just so stuck in hurt not understanding why she made the choices she did. My friend says, “She did not really have a choice”. See my Mom was an alcoholic, drinking morning till night if possible. You never saw her drink and she kept her bottle of Vodka in the pots and pan cabinet. My baby girl inherited my Mom’s habit that most often will skip even other generations. Last night I joined these thoughts with my problem with corporations and so heartbreaking results. To think how our wonderful money-making heartless humans in our society have a forever guaranteed income as our society breeds a population that needs their product. The lives alcohol has taken just give our medical system financial support also. Look at diabetes and more. Just heartbreaking the greed in our society.

4-18-22, feeling a lack of purpose today. last Mom through Wed was very hard processing my girl. Just so sad she made the choices she did and would not let me help her. I even called out her name and the sensation came from deep in my gut. Yesterday was a very lonely Easter.

6-1-22 Her Son has come back home he sure has her wisdom and soulful thinking. Funny he is telling me things over the years I had hoped to share with him, I see he got it that gives me a smile. Still going to grief group as I can help others see they can survive. Ted my husband who passed on admired me for being hard-headed. I sure felt strong to not let this grief settle in my body. I kinda became very protective of my body and what goes in it some years back when I decided it was my temple for the time on earth. Katherine would agree with me. She struggled so much with her drinking and all she knew was that it was killing her. I can not imagine her thinking, O my baby girl…

8-2022 Been nice to socialize these past months. My heart still aches for my Baby Girl, Been trying hard to eat with no to little appetite, since late Winter. I am a good 10 pounds less than I would like. I found that the 2 times my children were in town I ate and ate having an appetite. Back in the late 90s during Divorce and I was away from my children I lost a lot of weight. I remember feeling like I was eating cardboard as I forced myself to eat. Seems if this is so, then I am not processing as well as I would like. Still suppressing my hurt. Of all the ways I have learned to process I as of today am at a loss. I still can not accept that she is really gone. I buried one of my pups of 12 years a few weeks ago, watching him decline over the Winter was not fun.  I recently voiced to myself that I am a over-dedicated personality. My devotion to those I love is a bit strong making letting go even harder. I have been going to grief group but not much counseling. I also have been feeling lonely.

from Daily OM…When we are tired of pushing something down or trying to run away from it, a good first step is to write down what we think we are avoiding. Often this turns out to be only the surface of the issue or a symbol of something else. Expressing ourselves fully on paper is a safe way to begin exploring the murky territory of the unconscious. The coolness of the intellect can give us the distance we need to read what we have written and feel less afraid of it. It helps if we remember that no matter how dark or negative our thoughts or feelings may be, these are energies shared by all humanity. We are not alone in the dark, and all the gurus and teachers we admire had to go through their own unprocessed emotional territory in order to come out the other side brighter and wiser. This can give us the courage we need to open the treasure chest of what we have been avoiding.
Within the parts of ourselves that we don’t want to look at, there are emotions that need to be felt. Unfelt emotions are stuck energy, and when we leave emotions unprocessed, we deprive ourselves of access to that energy. When we feel strong enough, we can begin the process of feeling those emotions, on our own or with guidance from a spiritual counselor. It is through this work that the buried treasure of energy and inspiration will pour forth from our hearts, giving us the courage to look at all the parts of ourselves with insight and compassion.
10/2/2022 O my September flew by. Thoughts of Katherine and I preparing our gardens for Winter, my heart has been hurting as my mind still feels her being gone so not right. Her Son is staying with me at the moment, preparing himself to move in with friends. Oh how I am grateful he has his friends. All of mine being gone makes for a harder time. Friends are important and after so many years I have failed to make new ones. O I have friends but not those who will sit with me in my room sorting socks and sharing our personal thoughts. Katherine ought to be here still is all I can say at this moment, I miss her sooooo….my baby girl.
10-12-22 Grief sure is interesting, this month on the 24th is the loss of 3 close loved ones 2009 K-ray, unexpected death, 2011 Life long BFF Sheryl I supported her in passing, 2020 my First Born daughter as I write here Katherine, once my Kadie. Today a beautiful Indian Summer trying to comfort me in my grieving process had to take a day for the house and went to put something in the old Buffet I had given to her and it returned. But when I opened the drawer this gust of air seemed to come from the drawer and it was not the same smell I have smelled since I got it when I was 17, cause it was her’s and then came that wave and tears.
10-21-22 This past week has been different. While feeling good I found myself saying to myself that is OK to not feel bad about them not being here, the toughest hurdle of my grieving process next to allowing myself to have emotions that were so suppressed by life.
11-3-22 Crazy -I was thinking how much therapy it has taken just to undo child’s conditioning of emotions not aloud. If I had only known earlier in my life. My heart hurts tomorrow you would have been 45 and still so young. Your Son is a good person, you did good, be proud. I love you Katherine, my Kadie, so much and miss you, always hope you are finding more peace now than you did while you were here.
11-4-22 It is your birthday, I love you, you really ought to still be here my baby girl, this day 45 years ago was the most amazing day, thank you, we shared a really good life together, O my heart Katherine.
12-17-22 Maybe you know your 4H leader Moreen passed this week the day after Kenny her husband passed. Something I worked so hard not to do when Ted passed. It was so real the desire to go with him. Lots of reminiscing about all the times we shared with them at the horse shows. Such kind loving humans. My grieving has been changing, seems I am back to seeing those many holes of darkness I can fall into as I did yesterday or dip my toe and say no thanks. Such a day of heartache with the reality also that my Sister, your Aunt Pearl is gone also recently and has not hit me really. Then add the personal self dome I dream up-geese all things of old habits I know better than to allow. I cried hard throughout the day. Most of the morning I spent trying to make myself happy. Went to breakfast while I waited for the image-maker to open. Walked about town doing some last-minute Christmas shopping, even stopped in to tell Blaze I am not hurting just dropped in to give a holiday hug. Finally got Karen’s photo ordered and left 2 camera’s to see about fixing. Been needed for some years now. I really miss taking photos with my good old long-lens cameras. Jordon has things lately that you would be proud of him for. He is going to be 21 Katherine how I wish so deeply that you could still be here. So much hurt and sadness that you are not, I love you -Mom.
3-22023 It seems I may be feeling like that butterfly in me might be wanted to leave my cocoon of the grieving process. Might be time to get to know me again now that I am adding my daughter so deeply inside me, for heartwarming memories.
6-13-23 I made the drive to Clark Fork with no tears yesterday, I did have passengers. I sit here on the back deck overlooking the garden and feel you here with me enjoying the little bird flock that is here filling the air with sounds, the butterflies, and hummingbirds, the garden where you always loved to be. You, Ted and your Auntie Sheryl all loved gardening and I enjoyed being your helper when asked. Now I am learning learning to garden with all of you in my heart.
8-10-23 miss you
10-10-23 O my baby girl I have been in the garden with you often this season-so many flowers I could see your smile. Still hard to believe you are not here. I know it is coming 3 years and it seems still like yesterday. Grieving you sure has been unlike others. With your Son here who misses you so. He wishes at time you were here to tell him everything is going to be alright-only as a Mother -his Mother can do. I can say it has not been easy. Just not right your not here. Been enjoying some Fall walks imagining your along as you enjoyed them so much. FB has recently been sending heartfelt memories. O Jordon recently says to me that you and I had a special love for one another-warmed my heart.
Nov. 1 O my Baby girl, you are so strong in me these days, been a Full Moon. Was thinking to tell your beautiful human Son you raised, said with a smile. That I think it best to savor, enjoy, make the most of your moments. Change is always going to come. Did you put that in my head, I learned in resent years I am what they call a optimistic “a type” person, so “Yes” it’s could be possible. So I have been reliving in my mind heart warming reminiscing of -lets see, good ole math. That was something we once agreed on. Ok bat to the original thought. The days some 46 years ago. I have been back to the days before your coming into this world. Your Dad receiving wedding rings from his Mom, saying to marry me. Then him and his friends are off to the Whore house’s as we were living in S Lake Tahoe. First snow, Funny not sure it was last year or the one before but we had a first snow here just like when you were born. It was beautiful. .A Tahoe Chapel wedding Sunday, Food fight and all. Then Wednesday while your Dad was in class I was dropped off at a friends Bob Slob. Some back story I was a Bartender and local beer n wine. So while I was there washing your everything in some Downey -had to have soft for you. How we live n learn. But yeah, just before your Dad returned my plug broke and 2 hours later you came. Not even time for anything so el natural, just some wow moments. Today I think I was just working at the Bar, hmmm, Love you Katherine your Birthdays is coming in 3 days, you are in my heart n thoughts.
Dec 20-23 I had my first cry of being mad about you leaving.
1.03.2024 You have been in my thoughts daily this past month and I have been crying. o how I wish you were here to share this knowledge of self while grieving you. I have stifled my emotions for so many reasons and ways. It gets a bit crazy all the things to learn to just to get back your emotions you were born with. My big sign of denying you are gone is I imagine you’re still at home in Clark Fork. Jordon parks his car that was yours in a new place lately. I see it first thing in the morning now when I am out throwing hay to the ponies that I am so grateful for. Often a rush goes through me that you are here! It is such a sensation. Jordon does not talk to me much about his emotions. He watches me and I explain why I am that way at that moment of processing my emotions. Sometimes I have felt to explain to him my self work to regain touch with the emotions I was born with. Life experiences can cause us to deaden, ignore, hold, stuff and all the more ways, a very individual thing. Just pass 3 years now and so much more self awareness today I just so wish you were here to share in this adventure. I beat myself up with my inability to understand why you would not seek medical help, that one is still heart wrenching. Thoughts of the pain you suffered Katherine, ok got myself crying now. Just feels hard some days more than others. Holidays are tough and for some reason Jordon and I both felt it this year. We talked of you often, he so loved your cooking. He talks most of it. He shared some Christmas reminisce. We have your Christmas tree decoration box marked Jordon now. Bittersweet. This Winter has been so gray, little snow or Sun to brighten days. O but the Sun Rises have been beautiful and the sky towards Clark Fork glows Katherine. I love you, Mom.
1.8.24 I was sitting here thinking how after you ascended my daily life had some changes. One of them being me curled up in a little used corner. Where I am at this moment. It is the end of the couch that is right in front of the TV. No one sits here with their back to a TV :). It was also a new space facing the South windows across the room. Laying back with my lap top, for a few years now. I love it Sunny freezing mornings, a fire and when the birds come to the feeders, love the view. But I am thinking it might be time to cut back on this lying down cozy under a blanket with MY LAP TOP and maybe just reading here. I have sat in your chair and wrote you. That sounds like bad english wish Ted was here to explain for me, OK to me. Jordon and I feel connected to you via your chair it is easy to feel your warmth. Remember our scrabble games with him, those were fun when you two stayed here. You would love my new pup Anna, I think she just might be as smart as Tawna, I imagine you, her and Sheryl together now and so many more hard to imagine how it could work if….
2-22-24 Woke this morning knowing sad emotions wanted out. it has been a longest time since. I am learning that my losses have changed my life in so so many ways, Not always easy to keep up with myself. Today i cry for your being gone-not right. I am learning that this is my life it does not just go away. Also only those who have had great losses are humbled by life to be understanding, shared life experience a connection-sad but seems true. I love you Katherine, your Son is awesome and doing his best. He too feels his loses affect who friends him also, a learning process. A life adventure that is so life changing-weird how old acquaintances just go away.
5-21-24 Getting to where grief is just part of my life. I ride the waves that arise and continue on. Death sure can make you a better person should you choose. I love you Katherine, I wish you still here so often. My grieving for your Son to of lost his Mother has shifted to I lost my Baby Girl, Mothers day was a tough one this year. Knowing you and Ted with Matt were the 3 who always made sure my day was special. With both of you gone it has become a hard day. Matt came and I enjoyed our time but with weird feelings of crying inside myself most the day. Gratefully the following days I was able to cry hard and let it out. Always better after. I will always honor our life n times together and truly wish you happiness where ever you might be. Miss you Katherine, Ted, Lacy now, Sheryl, Peggy, Pearl, Bob, k-ray, Charlie, think of you and others often grateful for the life we did share. You are forever in my heart. 
 
 

 

UA-3648303-4