Grief, sharing my experience in this grieving Journal, 2016 at age 63 to 2020 now 67 this journal is not written for all to understand. If you have not recently experienced a tragic loss then this will be so meaningless and you will not get it. Consider yourself fortunate. But to those who have, I write this so you do not feel you are the only one with these feelings, your grief may bring. You will question yourself, you may even question your sanity at times. I for one never imagined living life after so much lose. You are not alone in having to make a new life now, sadly many do. It is good for you and me to write, try it, leave a comment.
Death is final. Grief is an individual process. All that you feel you need to do, is just what you need to do, I have been told. Now i have experienced. Except the feeling to join your lost love one it can be surprisingly real-fight that urge as real as it may feel. Embrace the sadness recognize, allow and let go, find your gratitude, Breath, a process you might want to practice it helped me. It is not easy for many to allow your grieving to process but stuffing is not good to do, I believe it causes dis-ease.
Also, understand this is not edited I wanted to leave the Raw feelings so even I can go back and hear my own voice-my own process in my writings. I can only hope you are a kind and understanding person although I know not all may be. Again, this journal most likely will not even relate to you if you have not a similar experience, you are fortunate.
Dec. 2022 your birthday is coming soon. I was thinking how there is some truth for some that a part of grieving is first letting your misplaced love go, then gather it up and spread it about with as much needed for yourself first. I was thinkin. I also since Katherine died 10-2020 and long time neighbor Steve in 10-2021 been going to grief group pretty regular, I like safe places. I miss being in your arms, hearing your voice , feeling you. Been a long haul-much to learn and experience. It feels good to finally see memories and they warm my heart. Very few tears these days for you. Just happiness n so much gratitude for the wonderful life we shared.
Aug 2, 2021 Tomorrow was our wedding day back in 2003. This journal is original there for very rough-keeping it real. Today I will tell you that the hardening in my chest that ache with attachment to anything Ted is rarely there anymore, nor dreadfully sad feelings. Today I am pretty much just full of gratitude for our times together-still the best man ever. 8.31.22 I miss my husband and most the hurtful memories are gone, been 6 years. I still attend grief group and Thursday night music night, my life sanity staples. Today I moan the loss of my first born daughter, 8-20 the unexpected death of my neighbor friend of the past 9 years, 8-21 and in July I buried my 4 legged friend Rags
This all begins at the bottom, yes I have defied the norm. Oh wait, I haven’t as it turns out when I looked up BLOG on 7-11-19 they start at the bottom. Well, honestly I would rather feel I have been defiant. Blog is a weird word. Something I have done my best at, as Google requires it for their search engine results. I am pretty much Optimistic about everything, you might see as you read. Yeah, you can think of me as Crazy and I am fine with it. Often what is defined as normal seems a bit crazy to me.11-13-20 Friday the 13 still gives me thoughts of my Dad (step dad ) when I received the call that he died. Today I still have the hard sad thoughts each time I hear sirens in the morning of when Ted died.
Today is Aug. 27 2020 the year of the Covid Virus. I have been journaling about the last 4.5 years in this blog of Grief. Although I know that grief will never fully go away as it unfolds or peels away in layers like an onion I have been told, like the Artichoke picture. I kinda see it as the ocean and i am the shore often. I feel I have reached a point were it is not all so consuming of me. Each year it has become less and less consuming and this year I am able to drive away, I can see furture-this one is BIG, even plan for it some. I have accomplished things I was not sure I could again. I am still trying to find that balance of quiet mind and not. I still have not a friend I can say anything too. The person you feel that special unexplainable connection with and they in return, like I could with Ted, Peggy, and Sheryl. I so long for that and hope I live long enough to enjoy those times least once more in my life.
I will continue to hold Ted, Peggy and Sheryl so dearly in my heart. In the memories I hold of them I will always speak their names and honor the lessons they so kindly gave to me. I have made all the wonderful things I felt they were part of who I am. Forever grateful to them and other lost loved ones who are so much a part of who i am today. So today I will close this Journal and continue my writing in a Journal ” Doing what you always thought was not humanly possible-Grief Journal again…the loss of my daughter, as always I wish for you to find comfort.
10-21-20, when I last wrote i had not thought that I might return but future is future with it’s unknowns. My first born daughter as of this morning it is being asked to let her ascend.
11-5-2020 Let go from life supports 10-24-20 giving her the peace she has been seeking with her life of alcoholism so so hard to have to watch your child slowly take her life year after year!!! They say she had a disease and for here she had no choice, genetics. My daughter never let you see her drink from morning till night, just as my Mom. It was vodka. Mystic 10-24-09 Lost baby Kieran, 10-24-2011 BFF Sheryl, now my daughter. Three on the same date!!! How does that happen? I have started another journal fo her.
8/3/20 Our wedding Anniversary and tomorrow our first kiss, my heart has felt it in the past days. Seems that annual events are processing days prior and not so much on the day of, letting me grab on to the gratitude of it. I am not sure if I have mentioned the crazy tall rose or two one year from Ted’s rose garden. They grow up to about 6 feet on one huge stem. I find it hard to believe it is not a gift or message from Ted. This year it happened earlier than in past years. I cut it and placed in a bud vase for today and tomorrow Happy happy days. Treated me, putts about was thinkin I am not remembering much of 2016 and half of 17 hummm.
7/23/2020 Life I sneeze and my lower partial no longer glued in, pops up loose gives me a giggle. Today was to be a GRAND wedding adding to Epic loving family memories. It was postponed due to not wanting to help the spread of our current COVID-19 Pandemic. Our Society is so divided by those who care and those who do not. I see very unique times with the added rise of human rights and political children it seems to handle these times, media creating doubts and confusion. Grief not only comes with the loss of loved ones but in traumatic life changes. Will we have a Society of grief? I think maybe so. Many try to isolate now from those who choose not to still spreading the virus and extending the isolation for those who care. Leaves me with days of dealing with my disappontments that those who do not care are taking my personal freedom something I know I feel but must do my best not to dwell on. Focusing, nurturing thoughts on the good which for myself and those fortunate it is free time. Time with self, time at home, time with children getting to find comfort being isolated, slowed down. I hope many to embrace their moments, time, emotions, the importance of gratitude for what you have or have had, and love of self, something I feel must be felt to survive for your best health. Yesterday I was thinking that this is an amazing time for songwriters, curious to see and hear what inspirations will come-reflect from all this in so many of the arts. Image’s, paintings, sculptures, songs representing the year, I hear a chaotic symphony 2020-WOW!!!
7/16/20 Mid-July and our town is filled with out of state people bringing in the Covid-19 virus the life of 2020. I feel fortunate to have such a wonderful time and place to isolate -I miss hugs, music night, some shopping and family terribly at times. This week FB memories brought up a 2008 photo album that has been with me all week-moaning those loved and loss to just memories. Have shed tears this week-musta been needed. I relied upon and am grateful for my 4 years of a steady daily routine while I dealt with grief, emotions, self-thought, anxiety like I have never known before. This past Winter I found more of myself with lots of gratitude and found I did not have a need for the herbs I took to manage the anxiety. I began nurturing the comforts I was feeling even in my own disbelief at times. It has been months since I have confided in anyone my feelings and I really miss that. I still feel I have no best friends even close to the ones I have lost, that is the hardest part for me now. There is no one there. I have found that in the last few months I am changing that routine I have relied on for so long. I am riding my Pony like I rode when I was 12 years old, I am walking, still want to replace my need for TV to have thoughtless hours and replace with more reading, crafting, or learning to play an instrument. These are words and more I would share with a best friend if I had one. Wishing so much they were still here, grateful for so much that they gave.
6/1/20 Wow, welcome June not sure what happened to May. I spent happily in isolation still getting to know myself with lost loved ones a part of me. My days seem to be with less heartache so much that at times I question myself briefly about how it feels to not be living each day in heartache as in recent past years. Reassuring myself that this is good and does not mean I ever or now love and honor them less.
4/24/20 If you have read to here from the beginning then you will know that I believe dis-ease creates disease, I believe. In the beginning, my life tutor told me “I would have to embrace my grieving emotions” I really had no clue how that could be done. In time she taught me, I must say I resisted a lot like most I wanted to stuff my feelings. Yesterday I had a hard day having that fog brain, my mind filled with sadness. I think it felt harder than before as I have enjoyed the comfort of days without it. Unlike when I lived hard days every day. I felt my resistance right away and knew I needed to let go. It feels so uncomfortable, so sad and unable. Doing my work to process by the afternoon I was feeling better and even did a few things to feel good about.
4/17/20 I think I am admitting that I have not called on the spirits daily in my morning ritual for about a year now-wonder why that is now and why so much then-done. 4/13/20 Wow, over a month now of isolation, since I had been living isolated making an effort to not be I am grateful to not feel to stressed. I am feeling really grateful to not be feeling the anxiety that I have since Ted died. Yesterday was Easter Sunday and the first Easter Sunday since 2016 that I have not been full of emotions about the past Easters, Our Family and friends gathering for the first-yard event an Easter egg hunt with mostly young adults hunting green eggs in the woods or creek bed while a few little ones trotted about the yard. I am feeling ok with feeling good that “the now” is not yesterday. I have totally been in my own way on that one. I have my reasons why I think I have expressed in these past writings. Another surprising thing happened I think I felt giddy over some kind words directed to me, they stuck with me for some time was fun and interesting, been a while for those feelings. I can still yearn for the past most often on grey days or if behind in sleep. I can tell that the comfort of home keeps me content and without anxiety. I find if I must make a change like go somewhere, for instance getting Hay 1.5 hours away I get that vibration maybe nervousness going and find myself saying “you can do this gini” so hoping more time will help bring back I guess my courage to venture away. I do sincerely miss weekly music night with my brothers who have been so kind to be there for so many years.
4/2/20 Thinking I may date my writings as today is the beginning of April and my previous writing says it is near the end of March. I am thinking I have not written hear for a week or two. Just how my brain has gotten now at 67, maybe I ought to tell the readers that-humm- done. So March came in like a lamb and went out like a not so tough Lion. I have been in quarantine since March 8 as the World is shutting down to stop a COVID19 Virus something you will learn about in your History classes for sure. I enjoyed the almost 10days of wonderful Sunny days. I even sunbathed in my bathing suit getting Sunburned in March
Still grateful that my anxiety of the past 4 years has hardly taken me over. Enjoying the new feeling of capiable. Not sure 3 years ago I would have handled the changes, back then I depended on my routine and today I am switching things up kinda wild maybe refreshing not sure what word could describe. When this isolation began mid-March Jordon went to his last day of school as they decided to close, so he went to his Mom’s for the following 9 days. I mention as I found I was ok with no one here with me. But, I do like that he is back-there is a nice comfort in the thought of yelling help that there is someone who could hear you. Emotionally I have had a few days the most difficult were reliving the reality of our medical system not helping. Ted’s daughter’s wife Karen has been dealing with a broken wrist and our daughter Jenna came to visit that same day Karen had fainted. Now weeks later Jenna is still here Karen had surgery on her wrist and last week went to ER twice and they just sent her home to wait for an appointment -that is the part that stirs me, too similar to what happened with Ted but he never made his appointment. Happy to say Karen has. This isolation has not changed much for me, no weekly music is really missed, shopping at Yoke’s now online, and not missing work. It seems I am getting to experience what those who are retired feel. I know I can not afford this plus the renter is moving next door so financially things will be interesting soon. I love this no concern feelings. A bonus has been friends and family are contacting each other more often. My 7-year-old grandson and I face-time each other on our phone while we play word search together on our computers. Nice to have time to do things around home. I still get those waves of an empty heart urning for Ted with emotions but they are just wave of a moment, I am so familiar with. Kinda just part of my current life and it’s ok. I still feel that I am grateful to feel that I have been loved in this life, Ted gave me that and I am fine going forward with just that. Thinking still it would be unfair to share life with a mate at this time while I am so content with Ted’s love still. Jordon now 18 would be a nice roommate and pay rent then I could retire. But if he moves out I would seek a roommate. Journaling sure can let you hear how your thoughts sounds like a future plan-have not done many of those since Ted left. Grateful daily for this wonderful Home, property, shops and so much more to be isolated on Thank you, Ted Bowers, I love and miss you so, sniff, it is a grey day.
March 2020, it is now almost the end of March. I was not feeling that new capable feeling when the month started. Seems this grieving process is full of 2 steps forward one step back. Least that is how it has been for me. Grateful for my routines, knowledge of self-care, the practice of diligence. The intention I still have hopes to grasp better and bring it in as a part of me. So grateful for my honey. I still feel no other could ever love me as he, that I have been loved in this lifetime and grateful to him for that. I like it when I hear myself as I just did from writing. No love is the same-humm.
I am feeling I have friends since I decided I could, sounds funny huh. Having a staycation hiding out from a virus I do not want to help spread.
February 2020, O my another new year. I did not write in January as I was absorbed in my self-work. Experiencing the growing feeling of living. Returning to my past experience and knowledge of living in the now, what I was cantilevered out of when Ted passed. So I was not wanting to risk breaking that flow. But wanted to nurture it to stay. Today I am glad to be feeling comfortable in my use of the simple word “friend” whereas for 4 years (which feels like 2) I have been unable to say anyone was a friend without my mind going to death and the loss of my friends, making the word hard to say. I am better with it now and feel friendship and not death, this is good. I also have accepted in my heart that it is OK IF I FEEL HAPPINESS unlike these past years it has been another self-made hurdle to get over. Letting go of feeling it was not fair that I should be happy when Ted is gone. He always said we must get out of our own way, such a wise man. I can think of him more often now without out the heartache but with Joyful gratitude, I will continue to nurture these feelings. I have a couple of stories to share of recent friends who have talked with me, but I must go to work so till next time. I still hope this journal will give comfort to someone someday, easing some self-doubt and the fears we can create.
This morning as songs came on from a CD mix I have played for years now, I cried momentarily at times thinking this mourning time has been diluted with Sunshine and wonderful times of no anxiety as it has been since Ted died. Embracing the heartache being reminded how hard it is to feel happy knowing he is not here to share what we plan, how unfair that I can be happy when he is gone. Then I think this is what he would want and I can allow happiness for myself.
One week ago when I arrived to clean a home and was getting tools from my car someone next door said hi to me. It was a fellow Contractor who loved Ted. We visited the usual then he says “I could not have talked with you like this a year and a half ago” I told him I understood and share a similar story I experienced. Later I wondered if his year and a half were like my feeling that the past 4 years feel of 2. Later when leaving I thanked him and he, in turn, thanked me said “it felt good” as he has wanted this all along, that it is just difficult. The Saturday before while grocery shopping another friend of his and then mine in time approached me and in our conversation, he expressed his often thoughts of Ted and that in his cabin where Ted had done some work is a pair of his gloves he left and they remain there in thoughts of Ted’s presence.
Welcome December 2019 it has been a grateful week. I am questioning my anxiety with less feeling of the fog this past last week, it seems the anxiety is stronger and I am not enjoying it. Read an article that showed up on PTSD and it creates thoughts about my belief in “time” for healing, my one step at a time days, hope that things will feel better sooner. Knowing in my heart that there are other things I could do but they call for self-discipline, not something I am well practiced at. I can be a bit of a Mule, maybe. Honestly, I am not quick to react about much of anything-I am slow to think.
I can not help but feel sad today about the life I thought I would be living now. Another unhealthy thought I revisit sometimes, not always. So much to still let go of, it gets overwhelming mixed with everyday things to do. The yard is all white this morning and I am off to go plow and quiet my mind in the snow-it is a good thing.
12-7 Grateful for my people on Thursday nights I am sure to smile, how fortunate it that. Grateful for my home, our home, my grandson Jordon’s presence, puppies, ponies, some work all give me my daily life with love. This month/week has been filled with some calm, tears, memories which are wonderful for me nice to not have those feelings. The hard to think, thick fog, or intense stress/anxiety “they say” is so much worse to live with keeps lessoning. That article I mentioned about the PTSD I decided was just their sales pitch.
Still unsure about “the lesson” in so many events at once happening last month. I have unsubscribed to that dating site, which I thought was part of the lesson. It was so full of just automated blah blah wants to meet you. It was uncomfortable for me after I said in the profile I was not interested in a date or meeting. I am still in love with my husband feeling we never broke up and I do not want to. I just felt it was just a lot of superficialness (maybe that is the word, maybe I could choose a better one), computer-generated responses.
This week I cooked my first Turkey and dressing with just me, myself and I, a first in my life.
Just yesterday after hearing my Grandson state how much his friend’s home was full of Christmas decorations I went to the Attic after clearing the spaces in the front room for decorations. He was so cute when he got home he jumped right in adding to what I had gotten started. It has been maybe 10 years since I brought down more than the two boxes and there are still another 6 that have been untouched. I will see how this goes.
Tomorrow is Ted’s day of birth here in the life we shared a little of, Ted died Feb. 2, 2016, to recap. That following 2016 birthday I was still in that other dimension his sudden exit threw me in. 2017 was when I cried every day I think and had those uncontrollable times when I had to force myself to reach out for help to stop. 2-3 days ago my day reminded me of those times I cried hard that day but did not have to ask for help. It was good. Also the last two mornings started with the sound of sirens at daybreak taking me back to that morning he ascended. The songs I heard caused me to cry. Being gray days and rain all of one has not helped. Is this all just because his birthday is coming or what? We never broke up?
This morning I woke to the sound in the wall of water running in the pipes. You know I always thought that was the sound of him downstairs in the kitchen maybe adding water to the kettle to make my coffee. When it continued after he was gone I learned it is just the tank on the toilet wanting some water.
This morning I remembered it was maybe last year at this time I realized we never got to break up. I still have all this love and still fill I am just holding it-humm that is new. I was going to say not sure what to do with it, other than direct it toward myself, but yes that is true I definitely am holding it still. Admission before change maybe this was a moment-humm. Journaling is helpful.
I decided the other day to make his birthday a time I send out Christmas cards to the kids. Karen (his wife before me) and I have plans to hang out in the day. She is so fun, she just has this almost constant giggle about her, how can you not love her. Sometimes when we are out socially and someone might ask how do you two know each other? I will proudly answer “we were loved by the same man” or married to, either truth just throws the person asking off. Authentic truth and socializing can be an interesting combination, I have found. I just feel so happy to speak such a truth. In the past, she and I enjoy introducing one or the other she calls me a mama-law, a name I made up for my grandson to call her. Then I became one to her grandchildren when they were born. O maybe you should know I do not believe everyone deserves to be an X in the family unless they are truly unkind people.
Dec 17, 2019 I sat in a meeting today with my medicare insurance lady the one that refers to her years of grief over the loss of her husband in Desert Strom she says it was a “10-year coma”. She has found the Health and Welfare communcations with Social Security to fix things, I will get my January check and hoping Decembers also sometime. She found errors that the Soc Sec review board could not even find. She was so capable and happy she gives me hope, for my own grieving process. I was thinking today that in the recent years past how it has been a coma of a sort. For me who enjoys living in the ‘Now” that there was has been no living in the Now. Why would I want to live in the now it just means those I have loved so much are really not here. Not sure why it is so hard to believe that they are gone and easier to wish it all not true. Living like they are still here somehow, I can not say how it works-but it does. Our minds are complicated.
Today I am feeling I must write about the gratitude I have been feeling these past few days. That I am very grateful to still be here in Ted’s house, our home together for a while. That I have not had to experience the big changes some people have after such a great loss, which is what they may have wanted or needed but not for me. I am feeling fortunate to not of had someone in my life that felt I needed to do as they see I may need. No children telling me what I need, no evil step-children that disown you, but still give me so much love, still including me in their life-how fortunate is that. I have been able to continue to stay here with the spirit of the one I love so much. Enjoying their presence of spirit in all that was them or us. Ever so slowly embracing they are not really here. A most difficult process I have found.
Welcome November 2019 not sincerely but is how I would like to be feeling. November started with such desire to have someone to care about how I was feeling how hard things were to accept what had happened while visiting my baby girl my daughter and grandson. Back home one night alone and my health-giving me thoughts of dying, the next morning I wrote and sent a letter to my children expressing as kindly as I could my side of the story of the divorce with their Father. I had kept this to myself for years with Ted to comfort me when feelings arose. But he was not here, physically for me. My children’s responses were nothing from most and one kind with rejection to read that I found acceptable yet hurtful in their reason and words they described of me.
In a meeting with medicare insurance, I found she lost her husband in the war of desert storm. She described her grief as being in a “ten-year coma” Another person that week who lost their love said I don’t grieve he is still with me and she suffers scary memory loss. My Sister as I have most likely said before said it took her 6 years this is just some personal references of time in grieving.
Things continued to be hard the following week I received a utility shut of notice as I had not looked at my bills that were being auto paid that said the auto pay company had changed and I did not sign up with the new company. Correspondence was horrible with my anxiety hindering me intensely making it so difficult to do what I had to do. Then my Social Security check did not come in auto deposit in my account, another day of anxiety tense dealings hours on hold and dealing with people full of excuses and no compassion. The following day the bank had paid my mortgage twice as I did as they asked when my bank closed and moved me to their new one. Another day of holding on the phone and dealing with more excuses. Even one saying ” you have to talk with the other bank” then they say “you have to talk with the other bank and back again. Then finally a kind person at my current bank said they were sorry, the first to of warmed my heart and she fixed it all. This may seem small to you, all of this and that the next morning my ponies had torn apart their heated water tank and I had to spend those hours fixing but with my anxiety it was not easy. That evening one of my renters call to say they were moving out my anxiety was too much11/25 Today I still have not checked on those “tense events” I could not deal with in this last week. I did instead buy myself flowers for being so mean to myself, a first. Again the lesson I am seeing is I yearned for someone to care with me about daily life events. I found acts of depression were my only relief to the anxiety. All this felt like I was surely filling my “shit pot” for something wonderful to be coming. My lesson in this I decided was I wanted someone who was around physically Ted spiritually in my heart was not enough. I signed up on an online dating site asking for a friend to email and that I was not ready for a date. I will leave it at that as I mentioned my website and if this seed I placed in our Universe sprouts via my website, will see. Just not sure about this, but it seemed the lesson.
I did spend time last week sorting through material things that have less attachment for me now. Now the middle of November. The image above is a handheld coffee bean grinder that was introduced/given to us by our children in preparing pour-over coffees. I would see Ted sit on the stool in the kitchen staring out the window while turning the grinder. After his death I found myself comforted my doing the same each morning till late 2017 when the grinder felt feeble or loose so I save it for those needed times. This morning in looking back it was a big part of my morning comfort, a nice tool, you ever use one? I surprised myself just now in being able to write ” After his death” without hesitation-humm. Still having a very uncomfortable feeling when I say” friend or friends ” my mind just associates it with death. Still trying to accept death as a part of life. I am told you may not ever accept dying but I must continue trying. I found myself referring to those at Thursday night music as “my People” it felt good, surprised me a bit but it is good. I have been so afraid to feel close to anyone, that I would just lose them, yes, working on it. Gratitude and breathing are still my best tools. This article on grieving came to me today.
Today is Thanksgiving and the house will be empty, my thoughts this morning were, remember those two times this Summer the clock above the Kitchen sink propelled off the wall clearing the counter to hit me. I might have mentioned this already that it was Ted. In a dream, this summer he was hollering above the noise the word “Flow.” The two seemed his way of letting me know it is time to flow forward or move on. Well, this morning I was thinking it would be like Peggy and Sheryl to combine their energies to help him. How else could it leave a flat wall and come out beyond the sink. Those three are the ones who know me like no others, how hard-headed I can be to hang on to what I do not want to let go of, oh sniff sniff. Yesterday was a wonderful day of messages and emails even one from my website that was a treat it just it’s self I felt loved. The Universe energy sure is interesting once you look.
Welcome October 2019, feeling in conflict with myself often. I have a list of things that have changed causing me to adjust. So many are related to Ted not being here. I have read about clinging in the grief process and yes I have been doing that. All the things around me that were his and gave me a feeling of connection with him are so sadly waning. My conflict is not wanting it to go away yet knowing that it must some, is so so sad. So much letting go!!! I think sometimes if we had had time knowing he was going to dye that having the last words and time to know beforehand that things would have been different. We were having so much fun together when he left so unexpectedly -so hard!!!. I look at some of his things now and that feeling of him is no longer there like it has been. Oh, but when the wave of wishing him here hits all the feeling is there. And TIME it has been over three and a half years and I do not feel that at all, in fact, I truly can not say where that time has gone other than to exist the best I can. Time has truly been no time-not sure how that works- but it is how it seems. Strange how a mind can work. Oct 9-15 I took a road trip the first since 2016 it gave me a compassionate understanding of my anxiety being like a barn sour mare feels as you ride her away from the safe feeling of her barn. I have to admit my disappointment in myself of not being able to relieve myself of the tight jaw, tense shoulders the overall feelings of anxiety. I failed myself to feel those feelings in my past of the pleasure of going down the road. I persevered knowing I was going to see my grandson and possibly have heartfelt moments with him and my daughter. The return trip was full of moments remembering that Ted was not at home waiting for my return. I used the process” Embrace with deep breathing and find the gratitude” as I posted above-something that has become a habit for me. I enjoyed my visit with my counselor yesterday reviewing the events of my travels and visit. I believe in Life Couches especially when you have lost all those dear to you you could confide in. I also went to the grief support group last night. Many classes for support are offered for free in your area giving you the comfort of sharing your life with those who share similar experiences and are truly interested in listening to what you have to share. Like AA offers an Alonnon class for those who have to live with loved ones who choose to numb themselves with alcohol. One I am returning too. The same reasons I offer this journal to you the public so you can read that you are not the only one who goes through these thoughts and feelings-I wish you well
Welcome September 2019, Well the days are waning and so am i. The incident on 8-8 that threw me back into so much fear, overthinking, and some of that fog I have to just exist one step at a time through each day doing your best to function. I see now as most things the incident was not about me as I allowed my mind to do what it is well-practiced at and go to fearful assumptions creating undo emotional stories even lost a night of sleep. Unlike the last time my quiet mind was tested and I saw right away it was not about me and instead looked forward to nurturing my self just from being subjected to an adventure that was not mine and I choose not to tag along. But since I went on this scary, into the traumatic zone for my self-survival there must have been a lesson to see. Otherwise, I could have seen from the beginning that the person who made the poor choices and needed to blame someone other than just taking responsibility for their own lack of better choices. They will have to be left to their own Karma I believe. Well during this adventure I lost many things “so sad” things I have been hanging onto just to have Ted still in my Life. Some refer to it as clinging, Our Festival courtship times, things of his in our home still, the emotional attachment to material things of him have gone or lessen. The hours each day I still live with him are less. I cry as I write this as it feels I am losing him yet again, he has been gone for 3.5 years now, so confusing, reminds me of my life long friend Sheryl would say “the heart wants what the hearts wants” mine finds it so hard to let go of our love that had no chance to end really, least not together. 9-21-19 I feel I am waning with the light of Winter coming. Regathering my strength of gratitude and living in the NOW not allowing my mind to take me off to places my heart is not wanting to be in. I look forward to Winter as I believe it is a good time to settle into the new me that will digest all the changes August brought and come out a new in the Spring once again absorbing what my lost loved ones have given me.
Oh, to change the thoughts it also seems more conclusive that to live in a balanced life you are going to be paying your unhappy dues for your happy ones. I just like it better when I recognize them as dues owed and not let them sweep me off into an overthinking mind adventure. To think those last years with Ted I felt I had mastered a quiet mind than just to lose it all with his death, old ways strongly returning and to have to relearn again on my own. So grateful for my years with such a fine example. This last weekend I was able to gain experience in socializing on my own at a wonderful annual party with even some family attending and full of kind humans, I know in my heart I do not need to feel fearful there-good practice. 9/27/2019 Must note the clock that hangs in the kitchen above the sink has- it seems to jump off the wall and try to strike me. This is the second time recently-it has hung there for years. Could mystic forces be trowing time at me-weird-hummm!!
Welcome July 2019, June you turned out to be a very active month in self-realization and such. So many energies so much thought and too much thinking. Last week was the 1st and I had thoughts of closing this journaling adventure as I feel the largest part of my grief has past and what I have now I will continue to grow and live with but it is no longer so debilitating of my life. Still, feel the jolt of sad to say “my life” but that is what it is now. Well, honestly I know it has been since Feb 2, 2016, when our life ended. I know now that I am well practiced in ( longing) and see that it is most likely out of balance for my life to move forward. I always thought my childhood was good, I believe Mom did the best she could. My life has been defined to me in a few ways, a child of alcoholics, but save from this full definition by an adoptive family I had from 5 to 9, a latchkey child, basically, I raised myself as there was no one home most the time so I hung out at friends. Living the most part in duplex apartments even though none were attached to each other but there were 3 rows of four so there were kids and families we had our own yards not fenced so us kids had a great run behind them to play Army, or Cowboys and Indians. Even had a field in the spring filled with water and tadpoles. Anyways I just had to dig deep to realize that my ability to “long” was well-practiced through my childhood. Longing for that perfect Family home with a white picket fence. Yes, I long for the return of my loved ones. Even though I know it is not realistic it just has felt if I could just want them enough that maybe they really would not be gone as crazy as that sounds it has been a real feeling to me. A feeling I have not understood until now. I have been longing cause that is what I know how to do whether I realize it or not. Oh, and I have not seen my life Tutors for a while so this is just my own conclusion but I am pretty much sure they will agree as they agree to a lot to my thought process except negative self-talk which I have learned about years ago and has taught me how we do not see things in ourselves and why I love my Tutors, plus they are safe friends they can not go out and talk about our times together. I still have hard to think days but my age may assist in that. Remember when I lost Ted and the life we had I felt my mind and heart were in two different places a craziness and all the things I had gotten rid of in my years of self-work where back wanting to take me back. The ability to live in the NOW was gone and that horrible mind streaming through unnecessary images were constantly on replay. That feeling of being in an altered dimension. I am still so grateful to this home, my children and all the animals to count on for routine, I remember thinking how sad and hard it must be for those who may not have so much. I see now I have been in a survival mode and it is now consuming and must be brought back to a balance with living life. Finding a way to sincerely say my life is good which it is but with my want for them to not be gone and to still be part of my life makes me feel saying my life is good a lie. Something I still am not past. The Now has returned most days to the balance I enjoy. The light from the Sun sure makes a difference. Pretty much gray days are grey with wishing they were here. Spent last week too much in my head thinking a bit too much so this week I will focus on quieting my mind. This video I watched 3 times as it struck me, and added to my thoughts of Ego and it’s influenced in our lives, which Ted and I enjoyed shared talks on.
Welcome June 2019, glad May is behind me and looking forward to more days of feeling capable. Loving this home, garden, Thursday night music, my work and my grandson being here often. June 8th, 2000 the day I went to work knowing that Ted said he would come by my work to meet me before he left for a visit with his parents in Florida. It was a Thursday night and he was on his way to music night. I worked at Life Care as receptionist 12-hour shifts on weekends and had been rebuilding my life after a big life loss, divorce and life changes happened in 1996. 1998 I was sent from our local women’s shelter to “Life Skills” class and as I do I took it seriously, using all the new tools Linda Spagon gave me for a better life. I had also found “the Four Agreements” it resonated well with me. I was new to Windows program and email which kept flashing an e-harmony ad. When I looked into it I contacted a male I felt was in touch with his feminine side and he replied he was gay. From my Life Skill class, I knew I wanted a new male friend that was in touch with his feminine side. I have always enjoyed my male friends “my brothers” my roommates who happen to play music. I felt ready to seek that new friend. The second time I contacted someone was when I fell for Ted’s words in his profile. ( I still have a copy of his profile tuck in a book “The Profit”.
When I contacted him I had no idea the email showed my name. I had sign my inquiry “Annie” his reply stated he knew who I was, he looked me up in the phone book but would not contact me unless I wanted, this is how we began. Today I will focus on the moment we were standing side by side with our elbows resting on my work counter listening to my friend and boss Steve talk of something like he does. I noticed a warmth in the outside of my right upper arm that was maybe 6 inches from Ted’s upper arm, this fed my curiosity in this person. So today 19 years later now I will focus on that warm feeling of when we met. We continued to email and I continued to enjoy his words while he spent 2 weeks in Florida. This is the second event of our first year we continued to celebrate each year to follow, a Happy Happy Day we called them. The first is titled “Ted response to Annie” my Calendar still sends me reminders. Not a sad day but a “most wonderful” gift to my life.
June 16, 2019-What a DAY!!! Did a trash and trailer full of Lilac trimmings run to the Dump with Jordon. I came back to remove the spark plug on my rx7 JD rider mower. Before we left I had looked and could not even find the spark plug. So when I returned I found the plug went back and forth, shop to mower many times trying to find the so-called spark plug socket, no success. So I went to co-op no wallet left it in the truck when we went to the dump. Oh yes, now tears of why are things so difficult!!!! Daughter by phone got her turn to listen to me till I felt better. Then forward I go home for wallet and back to Co-op got a spark plug remover 4 sizes thing. Back home found the size to fit plug and how it drops on a bit deeper when correct. Back to the shop for the correct socket removed the plug and it spattered gas on my hands as I removed it from the socket. See about a week ago my kind neighbor took my mower to see if he could figure out why it only has one speed. I told him it has a full tank of gas. When I got it back and went to use it -it did not start, plus the gas tank was half empty I found as I filled again. Then I used my handy dandy jump start thing got her running. She ran like shit-just like a fouled plug the sound was familiar. Now thinking he must have turned her over dumping gas out and fouled my plug and yep. So I dry it and the hole replaced it and felt accomplished as I mowed slow. Happy Fathers Day.
June 19, 2019 regarding the thought of words this morning as I woke and thought of Ted I used the words “life mate” then realized there is no lifemate, for me, my life -it cannot happen” not realistic unless you see it as the other person’s life. Yeah, I am not the brightest bulb on the Christmas Tree about all things. I also was thinking this is soon to evolve into just a personal journal as my grief settles into my life. Really feeling the Family drift away now, see when I lost my mate I lost a life, future plans, a job, a company, co-workers, friends, and family times dinners are so huge-none are replaceable. Before I met Ted I thought I was too old that it was too late in life to have another relationship -but I did and it was the best one of my life. Well, I find myself having those same thoughts again that I am too old, that it is too late in life, How could I in so many ways, not the best thinking but how it is for today. I am really missing my friend Steve, my friend Peggy’s husband I speak of him above he has been a brother to me for years. We grieve together, I can call for help with my lawnmower or other projects-we help each other- and sometimes went to dinner or an event it was nice. He has a girlfriend now who sees me as a threat to her relationship with him so we do not call on each other anymore. Hence my having to repair my mower adventure above. I would love to see him with a less insecure person but she makes him happy and that is what is most important to me. I so wish I had a real brother I have always -since I was little and I have adopted many throughout my life.
June 23, 2019 it happened
May 20, 2019, I am not sure if I have said this before. I was reminded today when saying to a couple that the husband’s willingness to do what he had to do that led to a triple bypass was a wonderful thing. I saw that they did not feel the same emotion as I did in saying that. My husband did not volunteer his health issues nor desire aging maintenance. When I met him at 53 he was not into yearly physicals even though he had a prostate issue we monitored for years till it became Cancer and he had to have surgery. He rarely volunteered information when he hurt himself. When he fell on our steps on our porch he said nothing till he was in so much pain to hide it any longer days later and I and many other family members told him to go to the doctors which led to his hernia surgery. I would have to say this is the only ager towards him I have felt in my grieving. The other anger is towards the Doctor who saw him on Friday and did not send him for Cardiac work up then leading to him to die on the following Tuesday morning.
May 18, 2019, one of those mornings, I am back to Feb 2, 2016. I wake and remember him calling my name when I reach downstairs I remember him sitting on the couch, in the dark of February morning. Each thing I do in the house I remember him, my chest so tight with sorrow, full-hearted cry’s, I even question myself about living in the house. I make myself do, each thing I do, grateful for my time of gratitude, stretching, and shower which pretty much change things or at least gives me strength. When I found this moment in this video the world was right again…still trying to upload with poor internet-soon.
May 17, 2019, I see it has been a month and lots of ups and downs. Grateful for all the gardening time. I keep feeling grateful that I have had days of less effort to get through but nothing like the wonderful stretch of days I enjoyed over a month ago. Very glad still to know it is possible to feel capable and I might not be living the rest of my life as I have been in recent years. New hope is good. I have had those days recently where it felt like just last week that I lost Ted and my heart just aches as it did back then just wanting him back. Having patience with the foggy hard to think times. I had some tests done and my hormones that support my adrenal glad confirmed my gland has gone to shit. This all means my physical self is not there to support my emotional self and was told it will be a long time to rebuild soo more patience needed-ugh!!. Grateful I have so much to be grateful for and honestly a good life even though Ted is not here as he was going to be to enjoy with me. Still working on that one, I know it is all my choice in what I choose to think but some days that is not comforting at all to just know. My Son’s came for Mothers Day felt good to know Ted would be so happy and proud of them as I was, so good to see and touch them. Touch is something that is very difficult to replace and very missed when it is gone, Especially from the best man ever in your life.
Now April 20 and it seems I spoke too soon in the paragraph before. That same night when leaving a wonderful time listening to music and with friends in town one of them asked “how I had been” and me “an unaccepting person of Social small talk” answered, ” I have been good and not feeling bad about it”. Oh, they Laughed and repeated, “that’s funny not feeling bad about feeling good.” I understand how they could hear it that way, but this was a person I felt close to and their words stayed with me. As you can see since I am writing this I still have not shed this from my mind. I understand they have no idea what life is like after losing the one person you have allowed yourself to love most in your life just die in your arms with no for warnings or goodbyes. I understand those words echoing in my head are me allowing that and I might possibly be keeping them just to fill my sorrow. Well, that was a Saturday night and on Monday morning it was all there, along with the fog, hard to think, hard to do, can’t remember shit from moment to moment. Tears, harden heartache, I embraced them all, loneliness, deep sadness. Got through the drive to town taking my Grandson to school, got through my chores and let go of my self-care just did not feel it., When done at work I went to the store-bought myself flowers and Ice Cream. Planning to go home onto the couch and indulge me and my emotions with my Ice Cream. But I got home knowing I needed to do some other things, like load my tires and go change from winter to summer tires. I knew that the last week or so was a (too good to be true kinda thing) but then was it. If I just can nurture this new self -so I changed those tires, did my chores, forgot this -forgot that, kept plodding through the fog, cooked my dinner -maybe it was just Cereal truly not sure. Then indulged in my Ice Cream feeling a bit clearer, seeing more light in the things around me. Tuesday morning I woke and dug in the dirt for the day-it was GREAT!!! Springtime and I am feeling less effort to get through a day feeling more alive and not so sad about Ted not being here to enjoy this a life we had planned and when those crazy desired thoughts of wanting to not believe with all of my might, he is really gone. Well, those feelings are felt more with the understanding that is not going to happen I can not tune back time and have him back no matter how hard I think it. He is only in me now, sometimes in the sky, the dirt, a breeze or the coincidental things that happen-Magic.
Still April, the 13 I believe. I must note that it has been more than a week since I struggled in that fog or cloud at all, fought that harden heart feeling of great sadness, or felt bad for feeling good or alive and Ted is not here. As I write I am not wanting to feel joyful about this but just want it noted. I am talking and interacting with other humans more than I have since Ted died, sniff yes that is a hard word and yes I have still had those unexpected moments of a few tears but they feel most just like part of my life. Bringing gratitude in to warm my heart is just about a reaction habit now along with a deep breath. It is feeling like spring and I am not so much just surviving, but enjoying my existence sum.
Welcome April 2019, Spring has arrived a bit later than recent years but it is here. The darkness of this Winter gave time to embrace much. If you have ever experienced a time in your life as being a lost self then you will understand my writing better. I am not new to events that threw me into a lost self so that you work to learn how to re-emerge having to reacquaint yourself to the new you. Life has done this for me more than once. Losing those that are your inner circle and the life you led with them is an amazing ( not sure that is the correct word to describe but Ted is not here to help me) life experience. Losing my husband Ted with just a 12-minute notice of a this is not happening experience was the biggest ever. Having learned to love myself before our life together gave the most deepest love experience I have ever had. Fortunately, Ted being who he was only nurtured our love. Now in the fourth spring of him leaving, I am feeling a beginning kinship with my new self holding so much of what my life with those now gone so dear to me-the lessons they gave to me are abundant and feel wholesome in me. At this point I do not see myself experiencing a loving relationship like it again but revel in what I have been given, knowing that in time this could change as it would be a healthier way to think, but not for now.
I still have my days of heartache to convert to heartwarming and those moments like when you come over the top of a Ferris wheel and your tummy feels so different. Well, those still happen like when I see his Van a white Previa coming towards me on the road and my tummy does that. That is when I seek gratitude thinking of all the wonderful adventures we had in that Van. Lucky for me Ted gave me so many things to be grateful for I hope that is the same for you. I am fortunate to have my people who have lost their loved ones also and we seem to be able to talk more freely about things like how we talk with our lost loved ones, how their presence is around, things like that. How deep breathing really can help and we still have that fog and memory issues. Hope you have someone you can talk with, in comfort.
Just yesterday I went to one of the “board store” as Ted and I had a construction company together and in talking with the owner who was kind and glad to see me he made comment about how when you lose someone you also lose all the people that were in your life with them. I was comforted by his knowing this truth that I am not sure many are aware of. Today I received a call about a Brick for Ted Bowers Construction being place as part of supporting the local Spot Bus transit. Ted was to humble to of required this but I wanted to do it as a memory of him. He would have wanted to support local transit, children at the Eureka center, and I wanted his company to be remembered along with Ted’s work to build a new library.
Back to Spring and April my life long friend and first death I participated in her Birthday is this month. I have a Sheryl rose garden and a Ted rose garden, understand they were the gardeners I have just had them handed down to me. Ted’s has hybrids and Sheryl’s came from her yard and are own root “old Fashions” with her ashes buried under each one. So I spend time with Ted and Sheryl while working in their gardens. The whole point to this lengthy back story is “blood letting” a phrase Sheryl would say when she was stepping from her Rose Garden. So now I (in my mind) have a Blood Letting Ceremony for my loved ones-hearing Sheryl’s words and seeing this in a beautiful way to share time with them.
I brought my Fusia baskets in under the grow lights late February 4 of them are gifts from Ted and two my oldest daughter in recent years. I just put the baskets outside as they are not coming back this year I watched and hoped but they along with so much he left behind and tattered clothes of our’s we use to wear are saying time is moving on with or without me. Hardest for me!!! I would do anything to have him here sharing in the plans we made.
Enjoyed time showing a young village child now an adult how to make the utensils that all of our patterns are still in the Utensil shop-his smile and joy of his successes was awesome!!!
Welcome March 2019, as I write March it feels much like each year February is the longest month of the year here for me and always a feeling of happily marching forward as March is written. Well, that longest month brought many things to think about. February is a month that Ted often would come to work with me as his work was most often frozen. I still clean those same homes and I feel his presence often repeating actions that existed when he was here. Like coming in the back bathroom as I was in there close to finishing time he would come in just to check with me as to what else. I felt him doing this and I just embraced with tears of course, many tears this month. I love when I feel him coming in the home in town where he would come in the front door with food in hand as he wanted me to have lunch with him or most often to drop off food as he knew I had not eaten. I feel I am mourning the loss of his presence in the current life we could have had and planned to share together-this offers much loneliness. I will continue this-got to get to work. But a new post will be coming to talk about Death and most important why it is not treated as part of our life, I think!!
Yes, I have signed up for our local Death Cafe meetings-enough said for now. Today 3-3-19 I am grateful for my grandson staying with me most weekends. He is 17 going on 14 loving kind young man. I am also grateful for Thursday night music (something Ted did for over 20 years and invited me along) where Ted’s stand up Bass is still played most weeks and I so enjoy listening. Where I can laugh and cry comfortably among true loving safe people. I question where and how I might be without these people still in my life now as it was our life.
Today I ventured into our old office email for our business as I was asked for an email for Ted to be able to sign him as Authur for his writings I still post in a blog. Anyways Google had an ad for Bowers Construction and I had to follow the information to close that page. You know it has not gotten any easier to close Ted or our joint adventures. The second-year to close an account remove his name from beside mine-horrible heartache. This is why his hat and coat still hang on the post, his slippers by the door. Even though “Ted is gone” a statement I worked hard to say last year removing his things still feels like removing him. I have found I am not alone in this or that I still talk with him-grieving meetings are comforting in this way to learn you are not the only one with these emotions. So few have shared experiences of losing their loved one unexpectedly in their arms, so many luckily have no idea. I know this is why people that were in “our life” have just sorta stayed away and I can feel amazing gratitude for those who have stayed in my new life with me on a regular basis which gave me some drastically needed consistency to continue life. Ted may not be here but I still love him and that love really wrestles with life as to where to be.
February 2, 2019 today marks 3 years since my husband Ted died, recently recovered from a hernia operation other than that we believed he was is good health. It was a Tuesday just before 6:30 a.m., I was sound asleep and woke as I heard him calling me from downstairs. When I reached the bottom of the stairs he was sitting in the recliner the room was dark. He said he needed my help to go to the bathroom as he felt lightheaded and it was hard to breathe. I responded, “want me to dial 911?” He said no then I said ” how about we go to the ER?” he said ok. At that time our grandson who was living with us alarm clock went off upstairs and I called to him to come to help me with Pappy. He came straight down and we walked beside Ted to the back bathroom. Jordon stayed with him and I ran to warm the car and moved it to the front door. When I returned Ted was done and ready for us to walk with him to the car. He was sucking his air in and collapsed his first step out the front porch. Jordon held him best he could while I dialed 911 and they had us lay him down and start CPR. He never regained conciseness. Jordon’s alarm went off at 6:30 and my phone said I dialed 911 at 6:42 so 12 minutes and he was gone. Best man ever. On Friday 3 days before he agreed to go to urgent care as he said he had a hard time breathing this morning, I had not been with him at the time. But I wanted to know he wasn’t harboring pneumonia or something the Doctor checked him out said his oxygen levels were good and if it continues to go see his Doctor. Monday Ted called and made a doctor’s appointment for 11 am Tuesday.
I spent a good week putting Ted’s shop back together as it had been barely restored from when the trees fell on it and we had to rebuild. Boxes and boxes of Ted’s things, tears and warn heart memories while I got it done.
January 2019 seems I am reliving each day thinking of three years ago my last days with my husband Ted, still missing him so and enjoying my talks with him every day so far this month. Grateful for our 24-7 days we spent together-So much to say..
Recently I have balanced my lonely sad thoughts with my thoughts of gathering those who have been in my life daily, weekly, monthly in the past 3 years, imagining them all together then gathered around me for a photo. Mika, Linda and Steve W would stand on my right with Suzanne, Donna, Woody, Lonny and Randy on my left. Then add Sandy, Randy W, Steven, Romey, Dyno, Kim and Eric next on my right, then the rest of Gas on my left. These are the people who are not family but friends and clients that have stayed in my life these past three years and I am so grateful to them and their huge support and many hugs. They are there in my greatest need, helping me, they comfort my heart, cleanse my soul, maintain my health, give me song, joy, laughter, and purpose, for all this, I am so so grateful.
Then the image grows to all my family along my front side and out leaving me in the middle of this image. Jordon, Steve B, Matt, Laura, Dustin, Jenna, Katherine, Darian all closest then their spouses. Building this image has been good for filling my mind with better thoughts. I feel my mind has returned to its level of quieting before Ted left. I spent a good 4 8 hour days in the shop unpacking boxes, organizing, remembering and realizing it has been 5 years since things were back together in there since the trees feel on her.
Last winter 2018 ended with me feeling I had no friends referring to the caliber of a friend I was thinking of were gone and will never be replaceable, true. Also, many thought to be friends might just stop coming around-many afraid of you. I can not blame them when I think of meeting new friends and sharing what we are up too. ( while rereading this I See I wrote we, this tells me how I am still so attached to my husband ) Learning to process grief in a healthy way is not the most common topic. Or how I rise above my own brain fog to place one foot in front of the other grateful for my chores and work to keep me going giving me purpose. Having to get up and throw hay in the early morning has been a very good thing, maybe one of the best for my healing. So from Thanksgiving to Valentine’s day, there is his birthday, Christmas holidays, his annual ascending day. Now not much till spring break adventures, first met and more through to mid-August. Just making those new memories. I have not cried every day like last year, the ache in my chest is not so hard and I have days that I feel capable, this is good. I still get that big like well up situation into tears most often comes unexpectedly any time any place. It is just part of life in this now. As always I hope you find some comfort in reading this, gini.
January 1, 2019, a New Year. 2018 was definitely a year for learning even more self-care, I was one to care for others and not myself most of my life so been making many changes each year since the late ’90s. I once felt it was selfish of me to care for myself before others big misconception. I did not love myself then and had no idea how wonderful love was so much truer once I learned to love yourself first. You really need to love yourself and let that love overflow to those around you. Amazing once you experience it. The biggest change for me in 2018 was learning the benefits of adding deep breathing and trying meditation. I also learned much in the garden like pruning and that most weeds were not weeds but great medicinal plants. I have also experienced that the power of words is even more powerful. Speaking out loud to let go of old unwanted ways is the key in many processes I have learned. Grieving is a long and not so easy process so much work and patience needed to not just pretend or stuff true emotions so they do not get locked inside for future havoc mentally and physically. My focus for 2019 will be to meditate twice a day and work on seeing my future. Currently, I am transitioning from grasping to hang on to all I can of my lost loved ones to know that they are gone and only in my heart -it has been tough. Time has been doing what it does even while I have tried to resist. it is ok as it is what I have needed to do and grieving is so personal whatever you need to do is OK. I have enjoyed counseling as they affirm I am ok to do what I need and help me have the patience to stay in the process. I will continue my journaling here still in hopes to help whoever may happen to read this so as not to feel alone and crazier than usual at times. gini
Thank you November 2018 you were wonderful I felt moments of feeling capable and many felt a bit of me ole self. If I had written sooner my words would have been full of brightness. Welcome, December and holiday cheer. My husband’s birthday was Dec 10th and as I seem to do my emotions went amuck for 3 days prior, so I indulged and learned. Wild how that works, most of the 3 days were of me just wanting him back with much more meaning than just these words. I did experience the power in words with some deep self-work, that was wild also. I learned a word with the same meaning to me of work I have done but the sound of that new word really churned some stuff. Maybe December can just be a wild month.
October 2018 such a month for transitions from the Sun lowering, the light turning golden, to the letting go like the trees dropping their leaves. In September I created an experience for my self with my shadow self and a new moon campfire in the yard, it was memorable. I have spent October digesting many transitions that September began. https://www.thewaywitch.com/single-post/2017/11/10/ASK-A-WITCH-Embracing-Your-Shadow I have found comfort in realizing a grey day or days of being depressed to have some good in that they are the balance for happy, cheerful and confident days and not days to be upset at myself for having but can be enlightening and just what is needed for the balance I seek in my life. Practicing patience for my self. I continue to seek my understanding of the whats and whys of life and death.
I felt in September 2018 that time had had its effect on how I see the things around me that are Ted and are wanting to be seen as “once were Ted” I have days I want to resist this yet time does not seem to want to give back. I can feel anger for this as it is a change being put upon me. Bringing up fear I do not want to deal with of “what now”. It is not easy to re-plan your life when you just so much want the one you thought you were going to have. Thinking it was the best and most wonderful plan with such beautiful people in your life who are not here anymore. Oh the little things that are so missed, the things you just can not give yourself as it can come from another. Grey rainy days seem like a sensible day to cry along with just knowing you’re equaling the balance to bring those happier, more joyful and confident days. Conclusions I have created for myself for comfort, I know.
I still have hopes to give comfort to you the reader. For you to know your not alone in your loss. It can be a time when those you thought were there for you will disappear. Sometimes it may feel like you contracted a plague or something and people seem afraid of you or those you used to see never come around. Definitely a time in life only true friends stick around giving you more to have to accept and understand. I believe since the experience of death has for many just been “swept under the rug” as an old saying says for most of our lives in many a persons life, rarely celebrated. The lack of understanding gives to fear and people just seem to become afraid to have a conversation with you. While you yearn to talk or just have someone to hold you. May this writing help those to understand what you could be feeling. Please feel free to share your experience as no two experiences will be the same and the more to read the more we may find comfort in this change we have had to take on without wanting it.
Our “shadow self ” a title for a self we all know. Rituals provide moments for intention and voicing aloud wonderful tools for processing along with writing. Enjoy some more great reads on this link https://www.thewaywitch.com/blog/date/2017-12
September 2018, I received this writing when my husband past away and for some reason, I kept it from all the other cards and paced in my inbox on my desk. I recently emptied that box and found this my thoughts were I must of put it there to read again sometime. Well, it has been over two and a half years and I now have read it again. My first thought was” how did this person know it would be like this.” After some days now my thoughts are I am very very grateful that my family and council have allowed, supported and encouraged me to embrace my feelings. In the beginning, I had no idea how you could embrace, now I do. I have to agree sincerely that there is no right or wrong way to grieve as long as you do allow it. Not allowing yourself emotions creates disease, my belief. I had not allowed myself emotions to this extreme before in my life. It has felt like a long road to help my heart overpower my mind.
As I was continually encouraged to shed my tears, while I experienced the intense desire to just want him back-this was big for me- took a lot to lessen the intensity of this and yes my heartfelt so empty. All along knowing my lost loved ones would not wish this for me. TIME, and a lot of self-work has allowed me to feel I can smile because they lived and I was a part of that. I can see I am choosing what they have given to my life. Feeling mostly this being time to make those parts of them apart of me what they gave me. With this I am filled with all the wonderfulness they share with me and can smile because I was so fortunate to of gotten so much-biggest thing is I know I have been loved by the greatest person I have known. Grieving is an individual thing and I hope to let go that I have not felt anger as someone’s list says I am to do. I have found nothing to be angry about the life I shared with my lost loved ones.
September 2018, When your life has been shattered each time you are asked “how are you doing” you truly get to where you do not want to hear that. In my experience with friends, we created a new way that we enjoyed much more. My grief would take the name of “gini town” so when asked “how is gini town” I could say the seas are calm today with a few drizzles. I could say “my day has had many turbulence with a monsoon afternoon.” I think you get the idea.
August 2018 was a mixed bag close to the old roller coaster of emotions. It began with all my children with their families visiting along with the Music Festival which I have tickets for each night performance, a trade I have for them. The first night my daughter arrived I loved staying with my grandson while they went to the music fest. He fell asleep with me reading to him in my bed where he slept the night -it just does not get any better in my opinion. We were all together with Ted’s daughters for just one day and evening Party that Jenna last minute turned into a Tedfest with potluck and music with the Gassers came again to play the third annual Tedfest, that always has rice crispy treats. My oldest Katherine was the only one who choose not to join us, Matt & Laura only here a few days. Dustin with family stayed the week most of it with the guest he brought with him. Sure was different to have so many people here and so so quiet when they were gone. Grateful for my grandson Jordon staying here now for the summer. Still listening to www.happinesspodcast.org at night seems I fall asleep easy and I like my sleep. There are like 176 episodes that last maybe 15 minutes with him selling himself at the end of each. But he links your ego to self-suffering which I have found curious to me. With grieving, it seems so much about your self, your loss, your heartache, your, your, your makes me feel a bit crazy. Then I go to coaches or council and it seems to be more of you. I have developed an uncomfortableness of this, then my heart aches and it is me. How is that? So miss my husband to talk about things like this, feeling anyone to have a conversation with would be so nice. Well, maybe not just anyone probably someone more like Ted, with no right or wrong just life with understanding. I really have to let go of taking life personally, or is that with less ego and where does the ache in my heart fit in-so confusing. My body likes to just create this fog in my brain when I get a bit crazy in thoughts-finding the bodies defenses from our own thoughts interesting. I started the Harry Potter books just to escape my own thoughts by hiding from two-plus weeks of horrible smoke in the air from forest fires I was able to read books 1-3. Well as always I just hope this helps someone not feels alone in their grief process.
June – July 2018 was so wonderful and not too overwhelming, as summer can be. I had hoped to keep July the same. I feel I did; I kept it comfortable for the most part. I had one rough day but I was fortunate to have an appointment with one of my life coaches and we worked things out together while clearing my chakras. I also enjoyed the new moon with a ceremonial fire with intentions to release emotions I was over with (but were still in me) to my shadow self. At the same time, I was asking the new moon energies to embrace me with continued growth. It was pretty amazing.
The simple act of speaking aloud, I believe, is a form of working with your subconscious. It is a process that does me good. So thank you, July, for so much family and friend time. And thank you for the wonderful conversations with beautiful, beautiful people. It was lovely.
I learned a new kinda mantra, you might call it. It goes like this, “thank you mind for wanting to help but I choose to do this from my heart.” I think I will be keeping that one.
Another insight I had about myself came when I arrived late to a potluck gathering. Someone lovingly came to me to share themselves, but because I still had to go back to my car and bring more in, I did not give them the attentive time I had hoped to. I was thinking they would still be there after I was done. Well, it turns out that they had left and I missed a much-wanted moment because I felt I could not stop what I was doing. Lesson learned; I could have stopped. Now to keep that lesson for future decisions will be the magic of self-work.
While on the topic of self-work, I also had a breakthrough with thoughts of where Ted is now. It has been hard to accept the feeling that he was around in spirit. But it raises the question “if he had to leave his physical self, then why leave to still hang around”. I gave him permission many times to go on with what he left to do. Then I decided his soul-energy is what has moved on and his human spirit is what is staying around. This new understanding felt so good to finally figure this out for me. Right or wrong, it gives me the comfort I seek to enjoy his spirit company.
May and June 2018 came with a wonderful Mothers Day-grateful to be so loved. Lots of time in the garden and a few outings that enriched me. No Life Coach, or Spiritual Guide time, just acupuncture. Lots of work with the tools received in the past months, from my Coach and Guide only a few heavy heavy-hearted days I yielded too and embraced. Miss Ted my husband, mentor, and partner in life every day and I am still playing music with him. We helped each other keep a balance of Ego emotions that can make havoc and love of self such a delicate balance. Wonderful conversations we shared coming to an understanding of life. Many ups and downs which is the balance in life I seek as when my Honey left my Ego emotions joined my hard-headedness making life more difficult and not how I wish it to be. Hard to accept what you do not want-I find. Grateful to the invites I do get, spending time elsewhere always helps. If you are mourning a lost love-I wish you the strength to hold them gratefully in your heart and keep your self-suffering ego at bay also referred to as the crazy monkey thinking.
Most of March into April 2018 I explored life with several coaches, Body, Mind, and Spirit I love picking the brain of people who have studied what I have interest in-felt like I was enjoying some wonderful Tutors I admire. Chakra’s study was the most exciting but then writing to my house was another eye-opener. Then all took vacations and my mind couch and I have moved into neuron therapy-fun study. Knowledge, just can not get enough. I had many good days in a row during this time, unlike the winter months. Just this week was a bit of a ride. Tuesday late afternoon I found my Pony down with a belly ache-they call it Colic and can die. I have dealt with this more than once just comes with keeping a wild pasture grazing pony in a corral that is not a natural life for them. So with an effort got her up and drug her around making her walk, some bits of dandelions, while I tried to get a vet to come to save us-always a scary time, this time proved to bring alone feelings into the event. A time you find out who your friends are. A kind fellow horsewoman friend answered my call for help and did take on trying to find a vet. An hour and a half later she and her husband were there with me for comfort then the vet was on her way-BUT!!! My pony has walked off her belly ache looking bright-eyed, willing to trot beside me freely, then she pooped!!! Walkem till they poop has worked more than once so canceled vet. The next day I was tired and emotional through-out the morning, thinking of several loved ones I have lost. I went to take care of some business feeling I could do this and when my insurance friend handed me my new insurance cards for the cars I could not help but start crying as Ted’s name was not there next to mine. Just one of those unexpected things it was all ok the insurance person was no stranger one of those special things about our small town I love. I know it had a lot to do with having to do business when tired. Well getting those emotions out on one day often just gives you greater strength for the next day. No idea why but I woke and decided to shower that morning in Ted’s shower which for some unknown reasons I had not done since before he ascended. Life is a kick if you let it. As always I hope this has given comfort to you in some way. Losing your one true love without notice in minutes is not something to be gotten over instead you find a way to live with it, till next time, g
March 2018 – Grief – In looking back on my grief process to the first year after Ted ascended my days felt like I was living on the edge of some other reality-least a form of reality I thought, doing all I had- to just do while living in such a fog. Having my animal chores really helped-I learned Cats do not eat dog food. I learned my pituitary gland was in charge of my days working overtime and I did various things to nurture it. Oh, my memory that is short-term memory was the shits you have to develop humor, with patience and believe that as times passes things will get better and they have some. Last Fall I transitioned from the events of his loss more to the loss of him and my two best girlfriends. So if you are that one person who finds relief in reading this -that you’re not alone it is just part of a process then this blog has served its purpose. Not all of us are fortunate to have close family and Life couches/tutors/paid best friends however you see them-I have 3 now at this date one for my mind, body, and spirit we trade taking care of each other. I lost my 3 best friends so it’s a trade. I understand we are all different but you just never know when someone might share a similar experience. May peace be with you, gini
February 2018 Well it is becoming obvious to me now that the statement “when you grieve one you grieve all” is very real. Also, humbling comes with allowing yourself to grieve and learning how just as we learn how to walk, talk and so on. I believe those who do not learn to process grief are holding emotions in their body that will cause dis-ease. I had not practiced the grieving process till 2011, I had done nothing to process as many and just put it aside not knowing what to do with the emotions. At 62 I had acquired several to process, that is when I began my study with professionals coaching me then and still today. They say everyone is different but they are learning that some of the processes may be shared, like the second year seems to be pretty common in traumatic losses as it seems you do not even morn your loss one until you have come to your best of terms of acceptance with the tragic part associated with your loss or event in some cases. I took a break from my professional guides except for a few acupuncture appointments from mid-October until I found myself bulling myself with my own self-talk. So this February I returned to my Life coach, who helps me stay kind and patience to myself, my acupuncturists keep moving toxins from the process clearing my organs and nurture my pituitary gland-amazing what it does. Then I recently added a spirit guild I will master this process. So tell, what is your experience?
February 2018 Well Thanksgiving had some wild humor and great presence. After we all took our seats there was an empty chair next to me. I set the table -thought I had it right-seems I did. The family said it was for Ted and Charlie as is was between us, Karen and I. Then came Christmas, New Years, another year with him and them not here. The whole month of January was spent knowing Feb 2nd was on its way-the day you left. I learned year two can be the hardest-not uncommon-gave some relief to my sanity. Back in Counseling. So grateful for my “Life Coach” which is what she has been. She is a knowledgeable friend who is safe and paid to not gossip. Since I have lost the three cossets friends I am grateful to her. I am fascinated by the mind and our bodies-how they function in trying to survive.. My “life Coach” is a tutor for me-we to share wonderful conversations. You know she went back and received her degree in neo-science fun stuff sure brings the mystic powers around to good science. People who say they do not need to have professional help -I feel for, in my mind, I feel as if they are missing out on so much. I understand that is for me and not all others.
January 2018 When you have a great loss, your mind goes away a bit, I believe to help handle the pain. Forgetfulness happens often. The other evening I could only find one of the only two water glasses I use, I chose to giggle at myself and know it would turn up someplace. Later on, I was trading lamps by my table at the end of the couch for better light to read by (yes I am going to try reading again) as I bent down to plug it in low and behold there was my water glass on the floor. Seems it was knocked off my table, but not broken again I had to giggle about how it showed up. Humor is important when embracing the love and the loss. I live alone now and I find I am the funniest person in my life now- some days-always grateful to my husband who showed me the importance of humor in your life for yourself and those around you. Be kind to yourself, others around you will gain from it. Please make comments or share your experiences so others may not feel so alone.
November – December 2017 Holiday’s are upon us and if like me the Birthday of a most special lost loved one. I have to admit I see the upcoming events with the denial that they should hit any harder than each day of the year. Yet I do know to listen to those who I am fortunate enough to help in counseling me in life as it is. So even though I will not project the extra hardship I will know it when I see it, I think that is the big part of going on. I am grateful we will be having Thanksgiving dinner here just like so many years when my husband was here. I know we will eat, laugh, cry and embrace our losses and love together with the warmest hearts we can muster. Please make comments and join in with your story to share with others that we may help.
January 2017 For me, the list below (author unknown to me) is very true after suddenly losing a grandchild in 2009, then 2011 the same date as our grandchild my best and dearest life long friend of 47 years whom I comforted in her final hours. 2015 when just returning to myself or I could say my new self, we were told our best friend had 18 months to live-she did it beautifully with so much strength till we lost her at about eighteen months later. In her final few months she cared for me from the very day my Husband unexpectedly ascended Feb.2,2016 without warning, she slept on my couch many nights so I would not be alone. She was there to help me close my husband and my business, she was the last of my most trusted friends. She was a strong woman when my husband ascended she said to people “don’t ask her, just do it if you feel to” amazing how true that is, I had no idea what I wanted other than my husband to not be gone.
Below #4, 5, 6, were harder to accept after my husband left. I had a test done on my heart as you really can not tell.
#10,11,12, you learn and really get hours of practice in patience for yourself and that you’re not crazy.
#16 I mastered a smile while tears ran down my cheeks to give comfort to those with you when this happens.
#19 I so missed reading my mind just does not work to do it. Focus is very difficult, so much so that admitting to someone that you really can not follow what they are saying is not always what they like to hear but it is true, just how it is.
#20 so much seemed unfair that I was still here and he was not, making the first year a tougher time.
#21 I so love to smell his clothes-it has been 11 months since he left.
#22, in the beginning, it is a memory on replay 24-7.
#24 I am doing, #26 is close to keeping what your loved one gave you, as you are almost re-born a new you.
If # 27 is about feeling if you do or say the right thing they will return, even when you know that cannot happen -but you find yourself feeling it.
Please understand this is my adventure and we all have our own. Just be kind to yourself, know that what you feel in most cases is OK, time will return you some time and you will be a different you. My belief-hope this helps. Hospice has great classes and monthly meetings if you would like the comfort of being with others that share your adventure, with Sheryl (My friend of 47 years) I felt most people did not really understand what grief was and I felt it was uncomfortable for most to be around me. The class was comforting to be with others. It is not easy for me to accept that death is simply a part of life, yet, even if true.
NORMAL MANIFESTATIONS OF GRIEF
1. Loss of appetite, nausea, diarrhea
2. The feeling of emptiness in the stomach
3. Lump in the throat
4. Tightness in the chest
5. Feeling of weakness
7. Inability to sleep, early morning awakening, extreme fatigue
8. Grinding the teeth during sleep
9. Dryness of the mouth
10. Inability to concentrate, forgetfulness regarding what is being done in the
middle of a task, forget what is being said in the middle of a sentence
11. Loss of time perception
12. Difficulty with remembering or maintaining a schedule
13. An intense sense of loneliness and feeling of social isolation
14. The overwhelming sense of sadness
15. Longing for life to return to the way it was
16. Crying at unanticipated times
17. Over-sensitivity to noise
18. Breathlessness, frequent sighing
19. Restlessness, inability to complete normal tasks or read a book
20. Experience occasions of resentment that “life goes on” for others
21. Hear, smell, see loved one, particularly in familiar settings
22. Need to retell the details of the loss again and again
23. Experience a feeling of anger at the loved one for dying
24. Temporarily attempt to preserve life “as it was” for the loved one
25. Have recurrent feelings of guilt or remorse
26. Assume characteristics, mannerisms of the loved one
27. Have a sense of unreality about life and the death of the loved one
Fall 2017 Beginning to remember bits of a dream now when I wake. I have not had Ted come to me in my dreams as others have enjoyed. I am beginning to be able to see his face in my mind, I saw him playing Miles and Miles of Texas in my mind as I listen to the boys play. I have not been seeing my Counselor very often I felt I was beginning to pay to see her other than going out and making new friends to talk to. I am dreading giving myself to others just for them to go away-I know this is thinking I must get over. I have had to try and not stress over money matters and create things to help. I even applied for work at Winter Ridge in the afternoons I am hoping. I watch and waste too much time sitting in front of the TV, although it does relieve all the anxiety by escaping into a series able to watch episode after episode. At the beginning of this new habit, I would think how Ted would have been so happy if I could have sat in front of the TV like now when he was here and be sitting by him. TV for me is just not productive enough for me -reading or web page work, making gifts is better or it was. I find myself holding back my emotions at times now feeling tired of them. The emotional waves still exist, yesterday and today I notice in the morning I brushed my teeth when I got in my shower and found myself brushing again, thinking “I did this already” then giggle at myself as I turned my water off in my shower. While making my pour-over type coffee I totally spaced putting the drip thing on my coffee cup that was sitting on the counter behind me. My coffee flowed across the counter before I saw it. At this point, I said there is a big one coming (emotions) felt silly and cleaned up my mess. Last Thursday was one of those moments that I am just not being able to stop me from crying. My firstborn talked me better over the phone-I was so wrapped up in the thought of why am I even here-I have no purpose. I am aware this is not healthy thinking but you know when your gratitude thoughts are hard to grab onto this is what happens, hope this helps you feel not alone, till we write again, riding life as best as I can.
November 2016 AFTER the Venlafaxine experience and the beginning of this Journal
By the last week in September 2016 to now November 2016 I have gratefully felt like MY mind is returning, the cloud that made it hard to think is gone, I also lost 5 lbs so those drugs MUST be leaving my system, as I mentioned I had gained 20lbs and never budged from it. My mind still returns to that morning Ted left and then lying in bed with my friend Sheryl while she was leaving. I then think of all that I am grateful for with times spent together-good times. Grief can be a tough process but I would never want to suppress my thoughts of those I have lost as it seems unfair. The months after Ted ascended I found the pull of desire to join him to be very real, I could understand how it happens. It made me sad even disappointed in myself to feel it when I have so much to still be here for, gratitude and deep breathing is the best for healing I have found. Learning to go to heartwarming memories of them all, as they gave so much love to me, knowing they would want me to go on and find happiness. (a tough one to feel if you are hard-headed as I am) I can say I have been LOVED. If you are reading this please comment, I only hope to share my experience so others can see they are not alone. Continuing life with peace and love, no matter what.
Venlafaxine experience, Venlafaxine is a prescription I agreed to take mostly for my youngest daughter’s sake so she and the others could feel better returning to their home out of town. It is said to be a mild antidepressant it slows down the dissipation of your serotonin supply so you are building more supply. Sounded harmless for a man-made drug I do not believe in. Not sure what it did for me but I took it for a year gained 20 pounds and could not change that. I had been taking 3 at night -when I started with one and gradually increased, well you must gradually decrease when you want to stop. So from April to July 2016 I decreased and ended taking them, now more than one year after my loss. Well from mid-August to mid-September I dealt with all those thoughts I had the week after Ted’s passing. Now being a year and a half by now since Ted acceded, just a year since BFF Peggy, 6 years since BFF of 47 years, 8 since baby Kieran several others-Family, brother, nephew, friends in-between and sometimes it feels like they all left recently.
2017 Lost loved ones have gifts from themselves as to why they were part of our life.
I have chosen in my grieving process to keep certain ways of living from my loved ones to go forward in my life with. I had not started this until I learned more about grieving so for my loving and missed Brother I had to look back. I choose his love for and the importance of family and staying in touch.
Then we lost a toddler Kieran 2009 and I choose that his gift was about showing love, for me not to wait for that child to want to be held by you but to be someone that that child wants to be held by. That giving love without thought is easy.
Then my lifelong friend Sheryl 2011 same date as Kieran she showed me not to fear death and being by her side while dying was important. After she was gone and I felt I had lost the only person who always had my back. So now to go forward I must be that person at my own back, that I can do this while holding her with me. Continue to learn not to fear death.
Then Feb 2016 I lost my one true love, my mentor, my partner in life without any warning just minutes and he was gone with no last words. This gave me my desire to encourage everyone to not let this happen. You must have those talks with your partner about what they would want for you should they leave. He also gave me 16 years of living with unconditional love, something I knew little about experiencing and now will pay it forward. How you can see and speak positively about things that happen in your daily life, better words. It is your choice how you react or see things that others do, humor helps. How to be amused in place of criticism, accepting people for who they are, even when they are not doing or thinking as you do. This is not wrong just different we are all beautiful that way. Taking the time to say goodbyes at a social gathering, matters. A “Honey-do” list is only good for lessening the gratitude of a gift from something you wanted to be done. That I am a good person. He gave me the space and support to gain experience it being who i saw myself as being.
Then Aug 2017 when I lost my best friend Peggy I learned from her that my honesty and loyalty is appreciated. I witnessed amazing strength in life when your dying. From her I have chosen to go forward with new strengths about dying and that my love is important to those I give it to. I am much stronger in loving myself, something when I was 47 I had no understanding of the meaning nor the importance. Such a kind strong friend who enjoyed our comfort in silence with me.