My grieving Journal, I write this so you do not feel you are the only one with these feelings your grief may bring, you are not alone in making a new life. Grief is an individual process. All that you feel you need to do is just what you need to do. Also, understand this is not edited and each day may not be the same. I can only hope you are a kind and understanding person although I know not all may be. This all begins at the bottom and please, I welcome your comment to let me know who it is was that was here.

May 20, 2019, I am not sure if I have said this before. I was reminded today when phrasing a couple that the husband’s willingness to do what he had to do that led to a triple bypass was a wonderful thing. I saw that they did not feel the same emotion as I did in saying that. My husband did not volunteer his health issues nor desire aging maintenance. When I met him at 53 he was not into yearly physicals even though he had a prostate issue we monitored for years till it became Cancer and he had to have surgery. He rarely volunteers information when he hurt himself. When he fell on our steps on our porch he said nothing till he was in so much pain to hide it any longer days later and I and many other family members told him to go to the doctors which led to his hernia Surgery. I would have to say this is the only ager towards him I have felt in my grieving. The other anger is towards the Doctor who saw him on Friday and did not send him for Cardiac work up then leading to him to die on the following Tuesday morning.

May 18, 2019, one of those mornings, back to Feb 2 2016. I wake and remember him calling my name when I reach downstairs I remember him sitting on the couch, each thing I do in the house I remember him, my chest so tight with sorrow, full-hearted cry’s, I even question myself about living in the house. I make myself do, each thing I do, grateful for my time of gratitude, stretching, and shower pretty much change things or at least gives me strength. When I found this moment in this video the world was right again…still trying to upload with poor internet-soon.

May 17, 2019 I see it has been a month and lots of ups and downs. Grateful for all the gardening time. I keep feeling grateful that I have had days of less effort to get through but nothing like the wonderful stretch I enjoyed over a month ago. Very glad still to know it is possible and I might not be living the rest of my life as I have been in recent years. New hope is good. I have had those days recently where it felt like just last week that I lost Ted and my heart just aches as it did back then just wanting him back. Having patience with the foggy hard to think times. I had some tests done and my hormones that support my adrenal glad confirmed my glad has gone to shit. This all means my physical self is not there to support my emotional self and was told it will be a long time to rebuild soo more patience needed-ugh!!. Grateful I have so much to be grateful for and honestly a good life even though Ted is not here as he was going to be to enjoy with me. Still working on that one, I know it is all my choice in what I choose to think but some days that is not comforting at all to just know. My Son’s came for Mothers Day felt good to know Ted would be so happy and proud of them as I was, so good to see and touch them. Touch is something that is very difficult to replace and very missed when it is gone, Especially from the best man ever in your life.

Now April 20 and it seems I spoke too soon in the paragraph before. That same night when leaving a wonderful time listening to music and with friends in town one of then asked “how I had been” and me “an unaccepting person of Social small talk” answered, ” I have been good and not feeling bad about it”. Oh, they Laughed and repeated, “that’s funny not feeling bad about feeling good.” I understand how they could hear it that way, but this was a person I felt close to and their words stayed with me. As you can see since I am writing this I still have not shed this from my mind. I understand they have no idea what life is like after losing the one person you have allowed yourself to love most in your life just die in your arms with no for warnings or goodbyes. I understand those words echoing in my head are me allowing that and I might possibly be keeping them just to fill my sorrow. Well, that was a Saturday night and on Monday morning it was all there, along with the fog, hard to think, hard to do, can’t remember shit from moment to moment. Tears, harden heartache, I embraced them all, loneliness, deep sadness. Got through the drive to town taking my Grandson to school, got through my chores and let go of my self-care just did not feel it., When done at work I went to the store bought myself flowers and Ice Cream.  Planning to go home onto the couch and indulge me and my emotions with my Ice Cream. But I got home knowing I needed to do some other things, like load my tires and go change from winter to summer tires. I knew that the last week or so was a (too good to be true kinda thing) but then was it. If I just can nurture this new self -so I changed those tires, did my chores, forgot this -forgot that, kept plodding through the fog, cooked my dinner -maybe it was just Ceral truely not sure. Then indulged in my Ice Cream feeling a bit clearer, seeing more light in the things around me. Tuesday morning I woke and dug in the dirt for the day-it was GREAT!!! Springtime and I am feeling less effort to get through a day feeling more alive and not so sad about Ted not being here to enjoy this a life we had planned and when those crazy desired thoughts of wanting to not believe with all of my might, he is really gone. Well those feelings are felt more with the understanding that is not going to happen I can not tune back time and have him back no matter how hard I think it. He is only in me now, sometimes in the sky, the dirt, a breeze or the coincidental things that happen-Magic.

Still April, the 13 I believe. I must note that it has been more than a week since I struggled in that fog or cloud at all, fought that harden heart feeling of great sadness, or felt bad for feeling good or alive and Ted is not here. As I write I am not wanting to feel joyful about this but just want it noted. I am talking and interacting with other humans more than I have since Ted died, sniff yes that is a hard word and yes I have still had those unexpected moments of a few tears but they feel most just like part of my life. Bringing gratitude in to warm my heart is just about a reaction habit now along with a deep breath. It is feeling like spring and I am not so much just surviving, but enjoying my existence sum.

Welcome April 2019, Spring has arrived a bit later than recent years but it is here. The darkness of this Winter gave time to embrace much. If you have ever experienced a time in your life as being a lost self then you will understand my writing better. I am not new to events that threw me into a lost self so that you work to learn how to re-emerge having to reacquaint yourself to the new you. Life has done this for me more than once. Losing those that are your inner circle and the life you led with them is an amazing ( not sure that is the correct word to describe but Ted is not here to help me)  life experience. Losing my husband Ted with just a 12-minute notice of a this is not happening experience was the biggest ever. Having learned to love myself before our life together gave the most deepest love experience I have ever had. Fortunately, Ted being who he was only nurtured our love. Now in the fourth spring of him leaving, I am feeling a beginning kinship with my new self holding so much of what my life with those now gone so dear to me-the lessons they gave to me are abundant and feel wholesome in me. At this point I do not see myself experiencing a loving relationship like it again but revel in what I have been given, knowing that in time this could change as it would be a healthier way to think, but not for now.

I still have my days of heartache to convert to heartwarming and those moments like when you come over the top of a Ferris wheel and your tummy feels so different. Well, those still happen like when I see his Van a white Previa coming towards me on the road and my tummy does that. That is when I seek gratitude thinking of all the wonderful adventures we had in that Van. Lucky for me Ted gave me so many things to be grateful for I hope that is the same for you. I am fortunate to have my people who have lost their loved one also and we seem to be able to talk more freely about things like how we talk with our lost loved ones, how their presence is around, things like that. How deep breathing really can help and we still have that fog and memory issues.  Hope you have someone you can talk with, in comfort.

Just yesterday I went to one of the “board store” as Ted and I had a construction company together and in talking with the owner who was kind and glad to see me he made comment about how when you lose someone you also lose all the people that were in your life with them. I was comforted by his knowing this truth that I am not sure many are aware of. Today I received a call about a Brick for Ted Bowers Construction being place as part of supporting the local Spot Bus transit. Ted was to humble to of required this but I wanted to do it as a memory of him. He would have wanted to support local transit, children at the Eureka center, and I wanted his company to be remembered along with Ted’s work to build a new library.

Back to Spring and April my life long friend and first death I participated in her Birthday is this month. I have a Sheryl rose garden and a Ted rose garden, understand they were the gardeners I have just had them handed down to me. Ted’s has hybrids and Sheryl’s came from her yard and are own root “old Fashions” with her ashes buried under each one. So I spend time with Ted and Sheryl while working in their gardens. The whole point to this lengthy back story is “blood letting” a phrase Sheryl would say when she was stepping from her Rose Garden. So now I (in my mind) have a Blood Letting Ceremony for my loved ones-hearing Sheryl’s words and seeing this in a beautiful way to share time with them.

I brought my Fusia baskets in under the grow lights late February 4 of them are gifts from Ted and two my oldest daughter in recent years. I just put the baskets outside as they are not coming back this year I watched and hoped but they along with so much he left behind and tattered clothes of our’s we use to wear are saying time is moving on with or without me. Hardest for me!!! I would do anything to have him here sharing in the plans we made.

Welcome March 2019, as I write March it feels much like each year February is the longest month of the year here for me and always a feeling of happily marching forward as March is written. Well, that longest month brought many things to think about. February is a month that Ted often would come to work with me as his work was most often frozen. I still clean those same homes and I feel his presence often repeating actions that existed when he was here. Like coming in the back bathroom as I was in there close to finishing time he would come in just to check with me as to what else. I felt him doing this and I just embraced with tears of course, many tears this month. I love when I feel him coming in the home in town where he would come in the front door with food in hand as he wanted me to have lunch with him or most often to drop off food as he knew I had not eaten. I feel I am mourning the loss of his presences in the current life we could have had and planned to share together-this offers much loneliness. I will continue this-got to get to work. But a new post will be coming to talk about Death and most important why it is not treated as part of our life, I think!!

Yes, I have signed up for our local Death Cafe meetings-enough said for now. Today 3-3-19 I am grateful for my grandson staying with me most weekends. He is 17 going on 14 loving kind young man. I am also grateful for Thursday night music (something Ted did for over 20 years and invited me along) where Ted’s stand up Bass is still played most weeks and I so enjoy listening. Where I can laugh and cry comfortably among true loving safe people. I question where and how I might be without these people still in my life now as it was our life.

Today I ventured into our old office email for our business as I was asked for an email for Ted to be able to sign him as Authur for his writings I still post in a blog. Anyways google had an ad for Bowers Construction and I had to follow the information to close that page. You know it has not gotten any easier to close Ted or our joint adventures. The second year to close an account remove his name from beside mine-horrible heartache. This is why his hat and coat still hang on the post, his slippers by the door. Even though “Ted is gone” a statement I worked hard to say last year removing his things still feels like removing him. I have found I am not alone in this or that I still talk with him-grieving meetings are comforting in this way to learn you are not the only one with these emotions. So few have shared experiences of losing their loved one unexpectedly in their arms, so many luckily have no idea. I know this why people that were in “our life” have just sorta stayed away and I can feel amazing gratitude for those who have stayed in my new life with me on a regular basis which gave me some drastically needed consistency to continue life. Ted may not be here but I still love him and that love really wrestles with life as to where to be.

February 2, 2019 today marks 3 years since my husband Ted died, recently recovered from a hernia operation other than that we believed he was is good health. It was a Tuesday just before 6:30 a.m., I was sound asleep and woke as I heard him calling me from downstairs. When I reached the bottom of the stairs he was sitting in the recliner the room was dark. He said he needed my help to go to the bathroom as he felt lightheaded and it was hard to breathe. I responded, “want me to dial 911?” He said no then I said ” how about we go to the ER?” he said ok. At that time our grandson who was living with us alarm clock went off upstairs and I called to him to come to help me with Pappy. He came straight down and we walked beside Ted to the back bathroom. Jordon stayed with him and I ran to warm the car and moved it to the front door. When I returned Ted was done and ready for us to walk with him to the car. He was sucking his air in and collapsed his first step out the front porch. Jordon held him best he could while I dialed 911 and they had us lay him down and start CPR.  He never regained conciseness.  Jordon’s alarm went off at 6:30 and my phone said I dialed 911 at 6:42 so 12 minutes and he was gone. Best man ever. On Friday 3 days before he agreed to go to urgent care as he said he had a hard time breathing this morning, I had not been with him at the time. But I wanted to know he wasn’t harboring pneumonia or something the Doctor checked him out said his oxygen levels were good and if it continues to go see his Doctor. Monday Ted called and made a doctor appointment for 11 am Tuesday.

January 2019 seems I am reliving each day thinking of three years ago my last days with my husband Ted, still missing him so and enjoying my talks with him every day so far this month. Grateful for our 24-7 days we spent together-So much to say..

Recently I have balanced my lonely sad thoughts with my thoughts of gathering those who have been in my life daily, weekly, monthly in the past 3 years, imagining them all together then gathered around me for a photo. Mika, Linda and Steve W would stand on my right with Suzanne, Donna, Woody, Lonny and Randy on my left. Then add Sandy, Randy W, Steven, Romey, Dyno, Kim and Eric next on my right, then the rest of Gas on my left. These are the people who are not family but friends and clients that have stayed in my life these past three years and I am so grateful to them and their huge support and many hugs. They are there in my greatest need, helping me, they comfort my heart, cleanse my soul, maintain my health, give me song, joy, laughter, and purpose, for all this, I am so so grateful.

Then the image grows to all my family along my front side and out leaving me in the middle of this image. Jordon, Steve B, Matt, Laura, Dustin, Jenna, Katherine, Darian all closest then their spouses. Building this image has been good for filling my mind with better thoughts. I feel my mind has returned to its level of quieting before Ted left. I spent a good 4 8 hour days in the shop unpacking boxes, organizing, remembering and realizing it has been 5 years since things were back together in there since the trees feel on her.

Last winter 2018 ended with me feeling I had no friends referring to the caliber of a friend I was thinking of were gone and will never be replaceable, true. Also, many thought to be friends might just stop coming around-many afraid of you. I can not blame them when I think of meeting new friends and sharing what we are up too. ( while rereading this I See I wrote we, this tells me how I am still so attached to my husband ) Learning to process grief in a healthy way is not the most common topic. Or how I rise above my own brain fog to place one foot in front of the other grateful for my chores and work to keep me going giving me purpose. Having to get up and throw hay in the early morning has been a very good thing, maybe one of the best for my healing. So from Thanksgiving to Valentine’s day, there is his birthday, Christmas holidays, his annual ascending day. Now not much till spring break adventures, first met and more through to mid-August. Just making those new memories. I have not cried every day like last year, the ache in my chest is not so hard and I have days that I feel capable, this is good. I still get that big like well up situation into tears most often comes unexpectedly any time any place. It is just part of life in this now. As always I hope you find some comfort in reading this, gini.

January 1, 2019, a New Year. 2018 was definitely a year for learning even more self-care, I was one to care for others and not myself most of my life so been making many changes each year since the late ’90s.  I once felt it was selfish of me to care for myself before others big misconception. I did not love myself then and had no idea how wonderful love was so much truer once I learned to love yourself first. You really need to love yourself and let that love overflow to those around you. Amazing once you experience it. The biggest change for me in 2018 was learning the benefits of adding deep breathing and trying meditation. I also learned much in the garden like pruning and that most weeds were not weeds but great medicinal plants. I have also experienced that the power of words is even more powerful. Speaking out loud to let go of old unwanted ways is the key in many processes I have learned. Grieving is a long and not so easy process so much work and patience needed to not just pretend or stuff true emotions so they do not get locked inside for future havoc mentally and physically.  My focus for 2019 will be to meditate twice a day and work on seeing my future. Currently, I am transitioning from grasping to hang on to all I can of my lost loved ones to know that they are gone and only in my heart -it has been tough. Time has been doing what it does even while I have tried to resist. it is ok as it is what I have needed to do and grieving is so personal whatever you need to do is OK. I have enjoyed counseling as they affirm I am ok to do what I need and help me have the patience to stay in the process. I will continue my journaling here still in hopes to help whoever may happen to read this so as not to feel alone and crazier than usual at times. gini

Thank you November 2018 you were wonderful I felt moments of feeling capable and many felt a bit of me ole self. If I had written sooner my words would have been full of brightness. Welcome, December and holiday cheer. My husbands birthday was Dec 10th and as I seem to do my emotions went amuck for 3 days prior, so I indulged and learned. Wild how that works, most of the 3 days were of me just wanting him back with much more meaning than just these words. I did experience the power in words with some deep self-work, that was wild also. I learned a word with the same meaning to me of work I have done but the sound of that new word really churned some stuff.  Maybe December can just be a wild month.

October 2018 such a month for transitions from the Sun lowering, the light turning golden, to the letting go like the trees dropping their leaves. In September I created an experience for my self with my shadow self and a new moon campfire in the yard, it was memorable. I have spent October digesting many transitions that September began. I have found comfort in realizing a grey day or days of being depressed to have some good in that they are the balance for happy, cheerful and confident days and not days to be upset at myself for having but can be enlightening and just what is needed for the balance I seek in my life. Practicing patience for my self. I continue to seek my understanding of the whats and whys of life and death.

I felt in September 2018 that time had had its effect on how I see the things around me that are Ted and are wanting to be seen as “once were Ted” I have days I want to resist this yet time does not seem to want to give back. I can feel anger for this as it is a change being put upon me. Bringing up fear I do not want to deal with of “what now”. It is not easy to re-plan your life when you just so much want the one you thought you were going to have. Thinking it was the best and most wonderful plan with such beautiful people in your life who are not here anymore. Oh the little things that are so missed, the things you just can not give yourself as it can come from another.  Grey rainy days seem like a sensible day to cry along with just knowing you’re equaling the balance to bring those happier, more joyful and confident days. Conclusions I have created for myself for comfort, I know.

I still have hopes to give comfort to you the reader. For you to know your not alone in your loss. It can be a time when those you thought were there for you will disappear. Sometimes it may feel like you contracted a plague or something and people seem afraid of you or those you used to see never come around. Definitely a time in life only true friends stick around giving you more to have to accept and understand. I believe since the experience of death has for many just been “swept under the rug”  as an old saying says for most of our lives in many a persons life, rarely celebrated. The lack of understanding gives to fear and people just seem to become afraid to have a conversation with you. While you yearn to talk or just have someone to hold you. May this writing help those to understand what you could be feeling. Please feel free to share your experience as no two experiences will be the same and the more to read the more we may find comfort in this change we have had to take on without wanting it.

Our “shadow self ” a title for a self we all know. Rituals provide moments for intention and voicing aloud wonderful tools for processing along with writing. Enjoy some more great reads on this link

September 2018, I received this writing when my husband past away and for some reason, I kept it from all the other cards and paced in my inbox on my desk. I recently emptied that box and found this my thoughts were I must of put it there to read again sometime. Well, it has been over two and a half years and I now have read it again. My first thought was” how did this person know it would be like this.” After some days now my thoughts are I am very very grateful that my family and council have allowed, supported and encouraged me to embrace my feelings. In the beginning, I had no idea how you could embrace, now I do. I have to agree sincerely that there is no right or wrong way to grieve as long as you do allow it. Not allowing yourself emotions creates disease, my belief. I had not allowed myself emotions to this extreme before in my life. It has felt like a long road to help my heart overpower my mind.

As I was continually encouraged to shed my tears, while I experienced the intense desire to just want him back-this was big for me- took a lot to lessen the intensity of this and yes my heart felt so empty. All along knowing my lost loved ones would not wish this for me. TIME, and a lot of self-work has allowed me to feel I can smile because they lived and I was a part of that. I can see I am choosing what they have given to my life. Feeling mostly this being time to make those parts of them apart of me what they gave me. With this I am filled with all the wonderfulness they share with me and can smile because I was so fortunate to of gotten so much-biggest thing is I know I have been loved by the greatest person I have known. Grieving is an individual thing and I hope to let go that I have not felt anger as someone’s list says I am to do. I have found nothing to be angry about the life I shared with my lost loved ones.

September 2018, When your life has been shattered each time you are asked “how are you doing” you truly get to where you do not want to hear that. In my experience with friends, we created a new way that we enjoyed much more. My grief would take the name of “gini town” so when asked “how is gini town” I could say the seas are calm today with a few drizzles. I could say “my day has had many turbulence with a monsoon afternoon.” I think you get the idea here is a nice link to read www.

August 2018 was a mixed bag close to the old roller coaster of emotions. It began with all my children with their families visiting along with the Music Festival which I have tickets for each night performance, a trade I have for them. The first night my daughter arrived I loved staying with my grandson while they went to the music fest. He fell asleep with me reading to him in my bed where he slept the night -it just does not get any better in my opinion. We were all together with Ted’s daughters for just one day and evening Party that Jenna last minute turned into a Tedfest with potluck and music with the Gassers came again to play the third annual Tedfest, that always has rice crispy treats. My oldest Katherine was the only one who choose not to join us, Matt & Laura only here a few days. Dustin with family stayed the week most of it with the guest he brought with him. Sure was different to have so many people here and so so quiet when they were gone. Grateful for my grandson Jordon staying here now for the summer. Still listening to at night seems I fall asleep easy and I like my sleep. There are like 176 episodes that last maybe 15 minutes with him selling himself at the end of each. But he links your ego to self-suffering which I have found curious to me. With grieving, it seems so much about your self, your loss, your heartache, your, your, your makes me feel a bit crazy. Then I go to coaches or council and it seems to be more of you. I have developed an uncomfortableness of this, then my heart aches and it is me. How is that?  So miss my husband to talk about things like this, feeling anyone to have a conversation with would be so nice. Well, maybe not just anyone probably someone more like Ted, with no right or wrong just life with understanding. I really have to let go of taking life personally, or is that with less ego and where does the ache in my heart fit in-so confusing. My body likes to just create this fog in my brain when I get a bit crazy in thoughts-finding the bodies defenses from our own thoughts interesting. I started the Harry Potter books just to escape my own thoughts by hiding from two-plus weeks of horrible smoke in the air from forest fires I was able to read books 1-3. Well as always I just hope this helps someone not feels alone in their grief process.
June – July 2018 was so wonderful and not too overwhelming, as summer can be. I had hoped to keep July the same. I feel I did; I kept it comfortable for the most part. I had one rough day but I was fortunate to have an appointment with one of my life coaches and we worked things out together while clearing my chakras. I also enjoyed the new moon with a ceremonial fire with intentions to release emotions I was over with (but were still in me) to my shadow self. At the same time, I was asking the new moon energies to embrace me with continued growth. It was pretty amazing.
The simple act of speaking aloud, I believe, is a form of working with your sub-conscious. It is a process that does me good. So thank you, July, for so much family and friend time. And thank you for wonderful conversations with beautiful, beautiful people. It was lovely.
I learned a new kinda mantra, you might call it. It goes like this, “thank you mind for wanting to help but I choose to do this from my heart.” I think I will be keeping that one.
Another insight I had about myself came when I arrived late to a potluck gathering. Someone lovingly came to me to share themselves, but because I still had to go back to my car and bring more in, I did not give them the attentive time I had hoped to. I was thinking they would still be there after I was done. Well, it turns out that they had left and I missed a much-wanted moment because I felt I could not stop what I was doing. Lesson learned; I could have stopped. Now to keep that lesson for future decisions will be the magic of self-work.
While on the topic of self-work, I also had a breakthrough with thoughts of where Ted is now. It has been hard to accept the feeling that he was around in spirit. But it raises the question “if he had to leave his physical self, then why leave to still hang around”. I gave him permission many times to go on with what he left to do. Then I decided his soul-energy is what has moved on and his human spirit is what is staying around. This new understanding felt so good to finally figure this out for me. Right or wrong, it gives me the comfort I seek to enjoy his spirit company.

May and June 2018 came with a wonderful Mothers Day-grateful to be so loved. Lots of time in the garden and a few outings that enriched me. No Life Coach, or Spiritual Guide time, just acupuncture. Lots of work with the tools received in the past months, from my Coach and Guide only a few heavy heavy hearted days I yielded too and embraced. Miss Ted my husband, mentor, and partner in life every day and I am still playing music with him. We helped each other keep a balance of Ego emotions that can make havoc and love of self such a delicate balance. Wonderful conversations we shared coming to an understanding of life. Many ups and downs which is the balance in life I seek as when my Honey left my Ego emotions joined my hard-headedness making life more difficult and not how I wish it to be. Hard to accept what you do not want-I find. Grateful to the invites I do get, spending time elsewhere always helps. If you are mourning a lost love-I wish you strength to hold them gratefully in your heart and keep your self-suffering ego at bay also referred to as the crazy monkey thinking.

Most of March into April 2018 I explored life with several coaches, Body, Mind, and Spirit I love picking the brain of people who have studied what I have interest in-felt like I was enjoying some wonderful Tutors I admire. Chakra study was the most exciting but then writing to my house was another eye-opener. Then all took vacations and my mind couch and I have moved into neuron therapy-fun study. Knowledge, just can not get enough. Had many good days in a row during this time, unlike the winter months. Just this week was a bit of a ride. Tuesday late afternoon I found my Pony down with a belly ache-they call it Colic and can die. I have dealt with this more than once just comes with keeping a wild pasture grazing pony in a corral that is not a natural life for them. So with effort got her up and drug her around making her walk, some bits of dandelions, while I tried to get a vet to come to save us-always a scary time, this time proved to bring alone feelings into the event. A time you find out who your friends are. A kind fellow horsewoman friend answered my call for help and did take on trying to find a vet.   An hour and a half later she and her husband were there with me for comfort then the vet was on her way-BUT!!! My pony has walked off her belly ache looking bright-eyed, willing to trot beside me freely, then she pooped!!!  Walkem till they poop has worked more than once so canceled vet. Next day I was tired and emotional through-out the morning, thinking of several loved ones I have lost. I went to take care of some business feeling I could do this and when my insurance friend handed me my new insurance cards for the cars I could not help but start crying as Ted’s name was not there next to mine. Just one of those unexpected things it was all ok the insurance person was no stranger one of those special things about our small town I love. I know it had a lot to do with having to do business when tired. Well getting those emotions out on one day often just gives you greater strength for the next day. No idea why but I woke and decided to shower that morning in Ted’s shower which for some unknown reasons I had not done since before he ascended. Life is a kick if you let it. As always I hope this has given comfort to you in some way. Losing your one true love without notice in minutes is not something to be gotten over instead you find a way to live with it, till next time, g

March 2018 – Grief – In looking back on my grief process to the first year after Ted ascended my days felt like I was living on the edge of some other reality-least a form of reality I thought, doing all I had- to just do while living in such a fog. Having my animal chores really helped-I learned Cats do not eat dog food. I learned my pituitary gland was in charge of my days working over time and I did various things to nurture it. Oh, my memory that is short-term memory was the shits you have to develop humor, with patience and believe that as times passes things will get better and they have some. Last Fall I transitioned from the events of his loss more to the loss of him and my two best girlfriends. So if you are that one person who finds relief in reading this -that you’re not alone it is just part of a process then this blog has served its purpose. Not all of us are fortunate to have close family and Life couches/tutors/paid best friends however you see them-I have 3 now at this date one for my mind, body, and spirit we trade taking care of each other. I lost my 3 best friends so it’s a trade. I understand we are all different but you just never know when someone might share a similar experience. May peace be with you, gini

February 2018 Well it is becoming obvious to me now that the statement “when you grieve one you grieve all” is very real. Also, humbling comes with allowing yourself to grieve and learning how just as we learn how to walk, talk and so on. I believe those who do not learn to process grief are holding emotions in their body that will cause dis-ease. I had not practiced the grieving process till 2011, I had done nothing to process as many and just put it aside not knowing what to do with the emotions. At 62 I had acquired several to process, that is when I began my study with professionals coaching me then and still today. They say everyone is different but they are learning that some of the processes may be shared, like the second year seems to be pretty common in traumatic losses as it seems you do not even morn your loss one until you have come to your best of terms of acceptance with the tragic part associated with your loss or event in some cases. I took a break from my professional guides except for a few acupuncture appointments from mid-October until I found myself bulling myself with my own self-talk. So this February I returned to my Life coach, who helps me stay kind and patience to myself, my acupuncturists keep moving toxins from the process clearing my organs and nurture my pituitary gland-amazing what it does. Then I recently added a spirit guild I will master this process.  So tell, what is your experience?

February 2018 Well Thanksgiving had some wild humor and great presence. After we all took our seats there was an empty chair next to me. I set the table -thought I had it right-seems I did. The family said it was for Ted and Charlie as is was between us. Then came Christmas, New Years, another year with him and them not here. The whole month of January was spent knowing Feb 2nd was on its way-the day you left. I learned year two can be the hardest-not uncommon-gave some relief to my sanity. Back in Counseling. So grateful for my “Life Coach” which is what she has been. She is a knowledgeable friend who is safe and paid to not gossip. Since I have lost the three cossets friends I am grateful to her. I am fascinated by the mind and our bodies-how they function. My “life Coach” is then a tutor for me-we share wonderful conversations. You know she went back and received her degree in neo-science fun stuff sure brings the mystic powers around to good science. People who say they do not need to have professional help -I feel for, in my mind, I feel as if they are missing out on so much. I understand that is for me and not all others.

January 2018 When you have a great loss, your mind goes away a bit, I think to help handle the pain. Forgetfulness happens often. The other evening I could only find one of the only two water glasses I use, I chose to giggle at myself and know it would turn up someplace. Later on, I was trading lamps by my table at the end of the couch for better light to read by as I bent down to plug it in low and behold there was my water glass on the floor. Seems it was knocked off my table, but not broken again I had to giggle about how it showed up. Humor is important when embracing the love and the loss. I live alone now and I find I am the funniest person in my life now- some days-always grateful to my husband who showed me the importance of humor in your life for yourself and those around you. Be kind to yourself, others around you will gain from it. Please make comment or share your experiences so others may not feel so alone.

November – December 2017 Holiday’s are upon us and if like me the Birthday of a most special lost loved one. I have to admit I see the upcoming events with the denial that they should hit any harder than each day of the year. Yet I do know to listen to those who I am fortunate enough to help in counseling me in life as it is. So even though I will not project the extra hardship I will know it when I see it, I think that is the big part of going on. I am grateful we will be having Thanksgiving dinner here just like so many years when my husband was here. I know we will eat, laugh, cry and embrace our losses and love together with the warmest hearts we can muster. Please make comment and join in with your story to share with others that we may help.

January 2017 For me, the list below (author unknown to me) is very true, after suddenly losing a grandchild in 2009, then 2011  the the same date as our grandchild my best friend of 47 years whom I comforted in her final hours. 2015 when just returning to a new but normal life, we were told our best friend had 18 months to live-she did it beautifully with so much strength till we lost her at about eighteen months later. In her final few months she cared for me from the very day my Husband unexpectedly ascended Feb.2,2016 without warning, she slept on my couch many nights so I would not be alone. She was there to help me close my husband and my business, she was the last of my most trusted friends.

Below #4, 5, 6, were harder to accept after my husband left. I had a test done on my heart as you really can not tell.
#10,11,12, you learn and really get hours of practice in patience for yourself and that you’re not crazy.
#16 I mastered a smile while tears ran down my cheeks to give comfort to those with you when this happens.
#19 I so missed reading, then admitting to someone that you really can not follow what they are saying is not always what they like to hear-but it is true.
#20 so much seemed unfair that I was still here and he was not, making the first year a tougher time.
#21 I so love to smell his clothes-it has been 11 months since he left.
#22, in the beginning, it is a memory on replay 24-7.
#24 I am doing, #26 is close to keeping what your loved one gave you, as you are almost re-born a new you.
If # 27 is about feeling if you do or say the right thing they will return, even when you know that cannot happen -but you find yourself feeling it.
Please understand this is my adventure and we all have our own. Just be kind to yourself, know that what you feel in most cases is OK, time will return you some time and you will be a different you. My belief-hope this helps. Hospice has great classes and monthly meetings if you would like the comfort of being with others that share your adventure, with Sheryl (My friend of 47 years) I felt most people did not really understand what grief was and I felt it was uncomfortable for most to be around me. The class was comforting to be with others. It is not easy for me to accept that death is simply a part of life, yet, even if true.

1. Loss of appetite, nausea, diarrhea
2. Feeling of emptiness in the stomach
3. Lump in the throat
4. Tightness in the chest
5. Feeling of weakness
6 Palpitations
7. Inability to sleep, early morning awakening, extreme fatigue
8. Grinding the teeth during sleep
9. Dryness of the mouth
10. Inability to concentrate, forgetfulness regarding what is being done in the
middle of a task, forget what is being said in the middle of a sentence
11. Loss of time perception
12. Difficulty with remembering or maintaining a schedule
13. Intense sense of loneliness and feeling of social isolation
14. Overwhelming sense of sadness
15. Longing for life to return to the way it was
16. Crying at unanticipated times
17. Over-sensitivity to noise
18. Breathlessness, frequent sighing
19. Restlessness, inability to complete normal tasks or read a book
20. Experience occasions of resentment that “life goes on” for others
21. Hear, smell, see loved one, particularly in familiar settings
22. Need to retell the details of the loss again and again
23. Experience a feeling of anger at the loved one for dying
24. Temporarily attempt to preserve life “as it was” for the loved one
25. Have recurrent feelings of guilt or remorse
26. Assume characteristics, mannerisms of the loved one
27. Have a sense of unreality about life and the death of the loved one

Fall 2017 Beginning to remember bits of a dream now when I wake. Have not had Ted come to me in my dreams as others have enjoyed. I am beginning to be able to see his face in my mind, I saw him playing Miles and Miles of Texas in my mind as I listen to the boys play. I have not been seeing my Counselor very often I felt I was beginning to pay to see her other than going out and making new friends to talk to. I am dreading giving myself to others just for them to go away-I know this is thinking I must get over. I have had to try and not stress over money matters and create things to help. Even applied for work at Winter Ridge in the afternoons I am hoping. I watch and waste too much time sitting in front of the TV, although it does relieve all the anxiety by escaping into a series able to watch episode after episode. At the beginning of this new habit, I would think how Ted would have been so happy if I could have sat in front of the TV like now when he was here and be sitting by him. TV for me is just not productive enough for me -reading or web page work, making gifts is better or it was.  I find myself holding back my emotions at times now feeling tired of them. The emotional waves still exist, yesterday and today I notice in the morning I brushed my teeth when I got in my shower and found myself brushing again, thinking “I did this already” then giggle at myself as I turned my water off in my shower. While making my pour over type coffee I totally spaced putting the drip thing on my coffee cup that was sitting on the counter behind me. My coffee flowed across the counter before I saw. At this point, I said there is a big one coming felt silly and cleaned up my mess.  Last Thursday was one of those moments that I am just not being able to stop me from crying. My first born talked me better over the phone-I was so wrapped up in the thought of why am I even here-I have no purpose. I am aware this is not healthy thinking but you know when your gratitude thoughts are hard to grab onto this is what happens, hope this helps you feel not alone, till we write again, riding life as best as I can.

November 2016 AFTER the Venlafaxine experience
By the last week in September 2016 to now November 2016 I have gratefully felt like MY mind is returning, the cloud that made it hard to think is gone, I also lost 5 lbs so those drugs MUST be leaving my system, as I mentioned I had gained 20lbs and never budged from it. My mind still returns to that morning Ted left and then lying in bed with my friend Sheryl while she was leaving. I then think of all that I am grateful for with times spent together-good times. Grief can be a tough process but I would never want to suppress my thoughts of those I have lost as it seems unfair. Gratitude is the best for healing I have found. Learning to go to heartwarming memories of them all, as they gave so much love to me. I can say I have been LOVED. If you are reading this please comment, I only hope to share my experience so others can see they are not alone. Continuing life with peace and love, no matter what.
Venlafaxine experience, Venlafaxine is a prescription I agreed to take mostly for my youngest daughters sake so she and the others could feel better returning to their home out of town. It is said to be a mild antidepressant it slows down the dissipation of your serotonin supply so you are building more supply. Sounded harmless for a man-made drug I do not believe in. Not sure what it did for me but I took it for a year gained 20 pounds and could not change that. I had been taking 3 at night -when I started with one and gradually increased, well you must gradually decrease when you want to stop. So from April to July 2016 I decreased and ended taking them, now more than one year after my loss. Well from mid-August to mid-September I dealt with all those thoughts I had the week after Ted’s passing. Now being a year and a half by now since Ted acceded, just a year since BFF Peggy, 6 years since BFF of 47 years, 8 since baby Kieran several others-Family, brother, nephew, friends in-between and sometimes it feels like they all left recently.

2017 Lost loved ones have gifts from themselves as to why they were part of our life.
I have chosen in my grieving process to keep certain ways of living from my loved ones to go forward in my life with. I had not started this until I learned more about grieving so for my loving and missed Brother I had to look back.  I choose his love for and the importance of family and staying in touch.
Then we lost a toddler Kieran 2009 and I choose that his gift was about showing love, for me not to wait for that child to want to be held by you but to be someone that that child wants to be held by. That giving love without thought is easy.
Then my lifelong friend Sheryl 2011 same date as Kieran she showed me not to fear death and being by her side while dying was important. After she was gone and I felt I had lost the only person who always had my back. So now to go forward I must be that person at my own back, that I can do this while holding her with me.
Then Feb 2016 I lost my one true love, my mentor, my partner in life without any warning just minutes and he was gone with no last words. This gave me my desire to encourage everyone to not let this happen. You must have those talks with your partner about what they would want for you should they leave. He also gave me 16 years of living with unconditional love, something I knew little about experiencing an now will pay it forward. How you can see and speak positively about things that happen in your daily life, better words. It is your choice how you react or see things that others do, humor helps. How to be amused in place of criticism, accepting people for who they are, even when they are not doing or thinking as you do. This is not wrong just different we are all beautiful that way. Taking the time to say goodbyes at a social gathering, matters. A “Honey do” list is only good for lessening the gratitude of a gift from something you wanted to be done. That I am a good person.
Then Aug 2017 when I lost my best friend Peggy I learned from her that my honesty and loyalty is appreciated. I witnessed amazing strength in life when your dying. From her I have chosen to go forward with new strengths about dying and that my love is important to those I give it to. I am much stronger in loving myself, something when I was 47 I had no understanding of the meaning nor the importance. Such a kind strong friend who enjoyed our comfort in silence with me.