October such a month for transition from the Sun lowering, the light turning golden, to the letting go like the trees dropping their leaves. In September I created an experience for my self with my shadow self and a new moon campfire in the yard, it was memorable. I have spent October digesting many transitions that September began. https://www.thewaywitch.com/single-post/2017/11/10/ASK-A-WITCH-Embracing-Your-Shadow I have found comfort in realizing a grey day or days of being depressed to have some good in that they are the balance for happy, cheerful and confident days and not days to be upset at myself for having but can be enlighting and just what is needed for the balance I seek in my life. Practicing patience for my self. I continue to seek my understanding of the whats and whys of life and death.
I felt in September that time had had its effect on how I see the things around me that are Ted and are wanting to be seen as “once were Ted” I have days I want to resist this yet time does not seem to want to give back. I can feel anger for this as it is a change being put upon me. Bringing up fear I do not want to deal with of “what now”. It is not easy to re-plan your life when you just so much want the one you thought you were going to have. Thinking it was the best and most wonderful plan with such beautiful people in your life who are not here anymore. Oh the little things that are so missed, the things you just can not give yourself as it can come from another. Grey rainy days seem like a sensible day to cry along with just knowing you’re equaling the balance to bring those happier, more joyful and confident days. Conclusions I have created for myself for comfort, I know.
I still have hopes to give comfort to you the reader. For you to know your not alone in your loss. It can be a time when those you thought were there for you will disappear. Sometimes it may feel like you contracted a plage or something and people seem afraid of you or those you used to see never come around. Definitely a time in life only true friends stick around giving you more to have to accept and understand. I believe since the experience of death has for many just been “swept under the rug” as an old saying says for most of our lives in many a persons life, rarely celebrated. The lack of understanding gives to fear and people just seem to become afraid to have a conversation with you. While you yearn to talk or just have someone to hold you. May this writing help those to understand what you could be feeling. Please feel free to share your experience as no two experiences will be the same and the more to read the more we may find comfort in this change we have had to take on without wanting it.
Our “shadow self ” a title for a self we all know. Rituals provide moments for intention and voicing aloud wonderful tools for processing along with writing. Enjoy some more great reads on this link https://www.thewaywitch.com/blog/date/2017-12
It seems this has evolved into a grieving journal of a sort;
September 2018, I received this writing when my husband past away and for some reason, I kept it from all the other cards and paced in my inbox on my desk. I recently emptied that box and found this my thoughts were I must of put it there to read again sometime. Well, it has been over two and a half years and I now have read it again. My first thought was” how did this person know it would be like this.” After some days now my thoughts are I am very very grateful that my family and council have allowed, supported and encouraged me to embrace my feelings. In the beginning, I had no idea how you could embrace, now I do. I have to agree sincerely that there is no right or wrong way to grieve as long as you do allow it. Not allowing yourself emotions creates disease, my belief. I had not allowed myself emotions to this extreme before in my life. It has felt like a long road to help my heart overpower my mind.
As I was continually encouraged to shed my tears, while I experienced the intense desire to just want him back-this was big for me- took a lot to lessen the intensity of this and yes my heart felt so empty. All along knowing my lost loved ones would not wish this for me. TIME, and a lot of self-work has allowed me to feel I can smile because they lived and I was a part of that. I can see I am choosing what they have given to my life. Feeling mostly this being time to make those parts of them apart of me what they gave me. With this I am filled with all the wonderfulness they share with me and can smile because I was so fortunate to of gotten so much-biggest thing is I know I have been loved by the greatest person I have known. Grieving is an individual thing and I hope to let go that I have not felt anger as someone’s list says I am to do. I have found nothing to be angry about the life I shared with my lost loved ones.
September 2018, When your life has been shattered each time you are asked “how are you doing” you truly get to where you do not want to hear that. In my experience with friends, we created a new way that we enjoyed much more. My grief would take the name of “gini town” so when asked “how is gini town” I could say the seas are calm today with a few drizzles. I could say “my day has had many turbulence with a monsoon afternoon.” I think you get the idea here is a nice link to read www.https://refugeingrief.com
September 2018, August was a mixed bag close to the old roller coaster of emotions. It began with all my children with their families visiting along with the Music Festival which I have tickets for each night performance, I trade I have for them. The first night my daughter arrived I loved staying with my grandson while they went to the music fest. He fell asleep with me reading to him in my bed where he slept the night -it just does not get any better in my opinion. We were all together with Ted’s daughters for just one day and evening Party that Jenna last minute turned into a Tedfest with potluck and music with the Gassers came again to play the third annual Tedfest, that always has rice crispy treats. My oldest Katherine was the only one who choose not to join us, Matt & Laura only here a few days. Dustin with family stayed the week most of it with the guest he brought with him. Sure was different to have so many people here and so so quiet when they were gone. Grateful for my grandson Jordon staying here now for the summer. Still listening to www.happinesspodcast.org at night seems I fall asleep easy and I like my sleep. There are like 176 episodes that last maybe 15 minutes with him selling himself at the end of each. But he links your ego to self-suffering which I have found curious to me. With grieving, it seems so much about your self, your loss, your heartache, your, your, your makes me feel a bit crazy. Then I go to coaches or council and it seems to be more of you, you, you I have developed an uncomfortableness of this, then my heart aches and it is me. How is that? So miss my husband to talk about things like this, feeling anyone to have a conversation with would be so nice. Well, maybe not just anyone probably someone more like Ted, with no right or wrong just life with understanding. I really have to let go of taking life personally, or is that with less ego and where does the ache in my heart fit in-so confusing. My body likes to just create this fog in my brain when I get a bit crazy in thoughts-finding the bodies defenses from our own thoughts interesting. I started the Harry Potter books just to escape my own thoughts by hiding from two-plus weeks of horrible smoke in the air from forest fires I was able to read books 1-3. Well as always I just hope this helps someone not feels alone in their grief process.
Sandpoint Blog, July 2018: June was so wonderful and not too overwhelming, as summer can be. I had hoped to keep July the same. I feel I did; I kept it comfortable for the most part. I had one rough day but I was fortunate to have an appointment with one of my life coaches and we worked things out together while clearing my chakras. I also enjoyed the new moon with a ceremonial fire with intentions to release emotions I was over with (but were still in me) to my shadow self. At the same time, I was asking the new moon energies to embrace me with continued growth. It was pretty amazing.
The simple act of speaking aloud, I believe, is a form of working with your sub-conscious. It is a process that does me good. So thank you, July, for so much family and friend time. And thank you for wonderful conversations with beautiful, beautiful people. It was lovely.
I learned a new kinda mantra, you might call it. It goes like this, “thank you mind for wanting to help but I choose to do this from my heart.” I think I will be keeping that one.
Another insight I had about myself came when I arrived late to a potluck gathering. Someone lovingly came to me to share themselves, but because I still had to go back to my car and bring more in, I did not give them the attentive time I had hoped to. I was thinking they would still be there after I was done. Well, it turns out that they had left and I missed a much-wanted moment because I felt I could not stop what I was doing. Lesson learned; I could have stopped. Now to keep that lesson for future decisions will be the magic of self-work.
While on the topic of self-work, I also had a breakthrough with thoughts of where Ted is now. It has been hard to accept the feeling that he was around in spirit. But it raises the question “if he had to leave his physical self, then why leave to still hang around”. I gave him permission many times to go on with what he left to do. Then I decided his soul-energy is what has moved on and his human spirit is what is staying around. This new understanding felt so good to finally figure this out for me. Right or wrong, it gives me the comfort I seek to enjoy his spirit company.
May and June 2018 came with a wonderful Mothers Day-grateful to be so loved. Lots of time in the garden and a few outings that enriched me. No Life Coach, or Spiritual Guide time, just acupuncture. Lots of work with the tools received in the past months, from my Coach and Guide only a few heavy heavy hearted days I yielded too and embraced. Miss Ted my husband, mentor, and partner in life every day and I am still playing music with him. We helped each other keep a balance of Ego emotions that can make havoc and love of self such a delicate balance. Wonderful conversations we shared coming to an understanding of life. Many ups and downs which is the balance in life I seek as when my Honey left my Ego emotions joined my hard-headedness making life more difficult and not how I wish it to be. Hard to accept what you do not want-I find. Grateful to the invites I do get, spending time elsewhere always helps. If you are mourning a lost love-I wish you strength to hold them gratefully in your heart and keep your self-suffering ego at bay also referred to as the crazy monkey thinking.
Most of March into April 2018 I explored life with several coaches, Body, Mind, and Spirit I love picking the brain of people who have studied what I have interest in-felt like I was enjoying some wonderful Tutors I admire. Shakra study was the most exciting but then writing to my house was another eye-opener. Then all took vacations and my mind couch and I have moved into neuron therapy-fun study. Knowledge, just can not get enough. Had many good days in a row during this time, unlike the winter months. Just this week was a bit of a ride. Tuesday late afternoon I found my Pony down with a belly ache-they call it Colic and can die. I have dealt with this more than once just comes with keeping a wild pasture grazing pony in a corral that is not a natural life for them. So with effort got her up and drug her around making her walk, some bits of dandelions, while I tried to get a vet to come to save us-always a scary time, this time proved to bring alone feelings into the event. A time you find out who your friends are. A kind fellow horsewoman friend answered my call for help and did take on trying to find a vet. An hour and a half later she and her husband were there with me for comfort then the vet was on her way-BUT!!! My pony has walked off her belly ache looking bright-eyed, willing to trot beside me freely, then she pooped!!! Walkem till they poop has worked more than once so canceled vet.
Next day I was tired and emotional through-out the morning, thinking of several loved ones I have lost. I went to take care of some business feeling I could do this and when my insurance friend handed me my new insurance cards for the cars I could not help but start crying as Ted’s name was not there next to mine. Just one of those unexpected things it was all ok the insurance person was no stranger one of those special things about our small town I love. I know it had a lot to do with having to do business when tired. Well getting those emotions out on one day often just gives you greater strength for the next day. No idea why but I woke and decided to shower that morning in Ted’s shower which for some unknown reasons I had not done since before he ascended. Life is a kick if you let it. As always I hope this has given comfort to you in some way. Losing your one true love without notice in minutes is not something to be gotten over instead you find a way to live with it, till next time, g
3/10/18 Sandpoint Blog – Grief – In looking back on my grief process to the first year after Ted ascended my days felt like I was living on the edge of some other reality-least a form of reality I thought, doing all I had- to just do while living in such a fog. Having my animal chores really helped-I learned Cats do not eat dog food. I learned my pituitary gland was in charge of my days working over time and I did various things to nurture it. Oh, my memory that is short-term memory was the shits you have to develop humor, with patience and believe that as times passes things will get better and they have some. Last Fall I transitioned from the events of his loss more to the loss of him and my two best girlfriends. So if you are that one person who finds relief in reading this -that you’re not alone it is just part of a process then this blog has served its purpose. Not all of us are fortunate to have close family and Life couches/tutors/paid best friends however you see them-I have 3 now at this date one for my mind, body, and spirit we trade taking care of each other. I lost my 3 best friends so it’s a trade. I understand we are all different but you just never know when someone might share a similar experience. May peace be with you, gini
2/2018 Well it is becoming obvious to me now that the statement “when you grieve one you grieve all” is very real. Also, humbling comes with allowing yourself to grieve and learning how just as we learn how to walk, talk and so on. I believe those who do not learn to process grief are holding emotions in their body that will cause dis-ease. I had not practiced the grieving process till 2011, I had done nothing to process as many and just put it aside not knowing what to do with the emotions. At 62 I had acquired several to process, that is when I began my study with professionals coaching me then and still today. They say everyone is different but they are learning that some of the processes may be shared, like the second year seems to be pretty common in traumatic losses as it seems you do not even morn your loss one until you have come to your best of terms of acceptance with the tragic part associated with your loss or event in some cases. I took a break from my professional guides except for a few acupuncture appointments from mid-October until I found myself bulling myself with my own self-talk. So this February I returned to my Life coach, who helps me stay kind and patience to myself, my acupuncturists keep moving toxins from the process clearing my organs and nurture my pituitary gland-amazing what it does. Then I recently added a spirit guild I will master this process. So tell, what is your experience?
1/2018 When you have a great loss, your mind goes away a bit, I think to help handle the pain. Forgetfulness happens often. The other evening I could only find one of the only two water glasses I use, I chose to giggle at myself and know it would turn up someplace. Later on, I was trading lamps by my table at the end of the couch for better light to read by as I bent down to plug it in low and behold there was my water glass on the floor. Seems it was knocked off my table, but not broken again I had to giggle about how it showed up. Humor is important when embracing the love and the loss. I live alone now and I find I am the funniest person in my life now- some days-always grateful to my husband who showed me the importance of humor in your life for yourself and those around you. Be kind to yourself, others around you will gain from it. Please make comment or share your experiences so others may not feel so alone.
Holiday’s are upon us and if like me the Birthday of a most special lost loved one. I have to admit I see the upcoming events with the denial that they should hit any harder than each day of the year. Yet I do know to listen to those who I am fortunate enough to help in counseling me in life as it is. So even though I will not project the extra hardship I will know it when I see it, I think that is the big part of going on. I am grateful we will be having Thanksgiving dinner here just like so many years when my husband was here. I know we will eat, laugh, cry and embrace our losses and love together with the warmest hearts we can muster. Please make comment and join in with your story to share with others that we may help. Sandpoint Blog – Grief
AFTER the Venlafaxine experience
By the last week in September 2016 to now November 2016 I have gratefully felt like MY mind is returning, the cloud that made it hard to think is gone, I also lost 5 lbs so those drugs MUST be leaving my system, as I mentioned I had gained 20lbs and never budged from it. My mind still returns to that morning Ted left and lying in bed with my friend Sheryl while she was leaving. I then think of all that I am grateful for with times spent together-good times. Grief can be a tough process but I would never want to suppress my thoughts of those I have lost as it seems unfair. Gratitude is the best for healing I have found. Learning to go to heartwarming memories of them all, as they gave so much love to me. I can say I have been LOVED. If you are reading this please comment, I only hope to share my experience so others can see they are not alone. Continuing life with peace and love, no matter what.
Fall 2017 Beginning to remember bits of a dream now when I wake. Have not had Ted come to me in my dreams as others have enjoyed. I am beginning to be able to see his face in my mind, I saw him playing Miles and Miles of Texas in my mind as I listen to the boys play. I have not been seeing my Counselor very often I felt I was beginning to pay to see her other than going out and making new friends to talk to. I am dreading giving myself to others just for them to go away-I know this is thinking I must get over. I have had to try and not stress over money matters and create things to help. Even applied for work at Winter Ridge in the afternoons I am hoping. I watch and waste too much time sitting in front of the TV, although it does relieve all the anxiety by escaping into a series able to watch episode after episode. At the beginning of this new habit, I would think how Ted would have been so happy if I could have sat in front of the TV like now when he was here and be sitting by him. TV for me is just not productive enough for me -reading or web page work, making gifts is better or it was. I find myself holding back my emotions at times now feeling tired of them. The emotional waves still exist, yesterday and today I notice in the morning I brushed my teeth when I got in my shower and found myself brushing again, thinking “I did this already” then giggle at myself as I turned my water off in my shower. While making my pour over type coffee I totally spaced putting the drip thing on my coffee cup that was sitting on the counter behind me. My coffee flowed across the counter before I saw. At this point, I said there is a big one coming felt silly and cleaned up my mess. Last Thursday was one of those moments that I am just not being able to stop me from crying. My first born talked me better over the phone-I was so wrapped up in the thought of why am I even here-I have no purpose. I am aware this is not healthy thinking but you know when your gratitude thoughts are hard to grab onto this is what happens, hope this helps you feel not alone, till we write again, riding life as best as I can.
January 2017 For me, the list below (author unknown to me) is very true, after suddenly losing a grandchild in 2009, then 2010 one year later to the day my best friend of 47 years whom I assisted in her final hours. 2015 when just returning to a new normal life, we were told our best friend had 18 months to live-she did it beautifully with so much strength till we lost her at about eighteen months later. In her final few months she cared for me from the very day my Husband unexpectedly ascended Feb.2,2016 without warning, she slept on my couch many nights so I would not be alone. She was there to help me close my husband and my business, she was the last of my most trusted friends at that time.
Below #4, 5, 6, were harder to accept after my husband left. I had a test done on my heart as you really can not tell.
#10,11,12, you learn and really get hours of practice in patience for yourself and that you’re not crazy.
#16 I mastered a smile while tears ran down my cheeks to give comfort to those with you when this happens.
#19 I so missed reading, then admitting to someone that you really can not follow what they are saying is not always what they like to hear-but it is true.
#20 so much seemed unfair that I was still here and he was not, making the first year a tougher time.
#21 I so love to smell his clothes-it has been 11 months since he left.
#22, in the beginning, it is a memory on replay 24-7.
#24 I am doing, #26 is close to keeping what your loved one gave you, as you are almost re-born a new you.
If # 27 is about feeling if you do or say the right thing they will return, even when you know that cannot happen -but you find yourself feeling it.
Please understand this is my adventure and we all have our own. Just be kind to yourself, know that what you feel in most cases is OK, time will return you some time and you will be a different you. My belief-hope this helps. Hospice has great classes and monthly meetings if you would like the comfort of being with others that share your adventure, with Sheryl (My friend of 47 years) I felt most people did not really understand what grief was and I felt it was uncomfortable for most to be around me. The class was comforting to be with others. It is not easy for me to accept that death is simply a part of life, yet, even if true.
NORMAL MANIFESTATIONS OF GRIEF
1. Loss of appetite, nausea, diarrhea
2. Feeling of emptiness in the stomach
3. Lump in the throat
4. Tightness in the chest
5. Feeling of weakness
7. Inability to sleep, early morning awakening, extreme fatigue
8. Grinding the teeth during sleep
9. Dryness of the mouth
10. Inability to concentrate, forgetfulness regarding what is being done in the
middle of a task, forget what is being said in the middle of a sentence
11. Loss of time perception
12. Difficulty with remembering or maintaining a schedule
13. Intense sense of loneliness and feeling of social isolation
14. Overwhelming sense of sadness
15. Longing for life to return to the way it was
16. Crying at unanticipated times
17. Over-sensitivity to noise
18. Breathlessness, frequent sighing
19. Restlessness, inability to complete normal tasks or read a book
20. Experience occasions of resentment that “life goes on” for others
21. Hear, smell, see loved one, particularly in familiar settings
22. Need to retell the details of the loss again and again
23. Experience a feeling of anger at the loved one for dying
24. Temporarily attempt to preserve life “as it was” for the loved one
25. Have recurrent feelings of guilt or remorse
26. Assume characteristics, mannerisms of the loved one
27. Have a sense of unreality about life and the death of the loved one
Venlafaxine experience, Venlafaxine is a prescription I agreed to take mostly for my youngest daughters sake so she could feel better returning to her home out of town. It is said to be a mild antidepressant it slows down your dissipation of your serotonin supply so you are building more supply. Sounded harmless for a man-made drug I do not believe in. Not sure what it did for me but I took it for a year gained 20 pounds and could not change that. I had been taking 3 at night -when I started with one and gradually increased well you must gradually decrease when you want to stop. So from April to July 2016 I decreased and ended taking them, now more than one year after my loss. Well from mid-August to mid-September I dealt with all those thoughts I had the week after Ted’s passing. Now being a year and a half by now since Ted acceded, just a year since BFF Peggy, 7 years since BFF of 47 years, 8 since baby Kieran several others-Family, brother, nephew, friends in-between and sometimes it feels like they all left recently.
2017 Lost loved ones have gifts from themselves as to why they were part of our life.
I have chosen in my grieving process to keep certain ways of living from my loved ones to go forward in my life with. I had not started this until I learned more about grieving so for my loving and missed Brother I had to look back. I choose his love for and the importance of family and staying in touch.
Then we lost a toddler Kieran 2009 and I choose that his gift was about showing love, for me not to wait for that child to want to be held by you but to be someone that that child wants to be held by. That giving love without thought is easy.
Then my lifelong friend Sheryl 2010 same date as Kieran she showed me not to fear death and being by her side while dying was important. After she was gone and I felt I had lost the only person who always had my back. So now to go forward I must be that person at my own back, that I can do this while holding her with me.
Then Feb 2016 I lost my love, my mentor, my partner in life without any warning just minutes and he was gone with no last words. This gave me my desire to encourage everyone to not let this happen. You must have those talks with your partner about what they would want for you should they leave. He also gave me 16 years of living with unconditional love, something I knew little about experiencing. How you can see and speak positively about things that happen in your daily life. It is your choice how you react or see things that others do, humor helps. How to be amused in place of criticism, accepting people for who they are, not doing or thinking as you do is not wrong just different. Taking the time to say goodbyes at a social gathering, matters. A “Honey do” list is only good for lessening the gratitude of a gift from something you wanted to be done. That I am a good person.
Then Aug 2017 when I lost my best friend Peggy I learned from her that my honesty and loyalty is appreciated. I witnessed amazing strength in life when your dying. From her I have chosen to go forward with new strengths about dying and that my love is important to those I give it to. I am much stronger in loving myself, something when I was 47 I had no understanding of the meaning nor the importance. Such a kind strong friend who enjoyed our comfort in silence with me.
Please make comment or write your experience that may comfort or help others age gracefully. You will also be supporting many good people by helping this website do well in a google search and hopefully, make someone’s phone ring for service. Let others know they are not alone in this process by sharing your story