When you have a great loss, your mind goes away a bit, I think to help handle the pain. Forgetfulness happens often. The other evening I could only find one of the only two water glasses I use, I chose to giggle at myself and know it would turn up someplace. Later on, I was trading lamps by my table at the end of the couch for better light to read by as I bent down to plug it in low and behold there was my water glass on the floor. Seems it was knocked off my table, but not broken again I had to giggle about how it showed up. Humor is important when embracing the love and the loss. I live alone now and find I find I am the funniest person in my life now- some days-always grateful to my husband who showed me the importance of humor in your life for yourself and those around you. Be kind to yourself, others around you will gain from it. Please make comment or share your experiences so others may not feel so alone.

Holiday’s are upon us and if like me the Birthday of a most special lost loved one. I have to admit I see the upcoming events with denial that they should hit any harder than each day of the year. Yet I do know to listen to those who I am fortunate enough to help in counseling me in life as it is. So even though I will not project the extra hardship I will know it when I see it, I think that is the big part of going on. I am grateful we will be having Thanksgiving dinner here just like so many years when my husband was here. I know we will eat, laugh, cry and embrace our losses and love together with the warmest hearts we can muster. Please make comment and join in with your story to share with others that we may help. Sandpoint Blog – Grief

AFTER the Venlafaxine experience

By the last week in September 2016 to now November 2016 I have gratefully felt like MY mind is returning, the cloud that made it hard to think is gone, I also lost 5 lbs so those drugs MUST be leaving my system, as I mentioned I had gained 20lbs and never budged from it. My mind still returns to that morning Ted left and lying in bed with my friend Sheryl while she was leaving. I then think of all that I am grateful for with times spent together-good times. Grief can be a tough process but I would never want to suppress my thoughts of those I have lost as it seems unfair. Gratitude is the best for healing I have found. Learning to go to heartwarming memories of them all, as they gave so much love to me. I can say I have been LOVED. If you are reading this please comment, I only hope to share my experience so others can see they are not alone. Continuing life with peace and love, no matter what.

Fall 2017 Beginning to remember bits of a dream now when I wake. Have not had Ted come to me in my dreams as others have enjoyed. I am beginning to be able to see his face in my mind, I saw him playing Miles and Miles of Texas in my mind as I listen to the boys play. I have not been seeing my Counselor very often I felt I was beginning to pay to see her other than going out and making new friends to talk to. I am dreading giving myself to others just for them to go away-I know this is thinking I must get over. I have had to try and not stress over money matters and create things to help. Even applied for work at Winter Ridge in the afternoons I am hoping. I watch and waste too much time sitting in front of the TV, although it does relieve all the anxiety by escaping into a series able to watch episode after episode. In the beginning of this new habit, I would think how Ted would have been so happy if I could have sat in front of the TV like now when he was here and be sitting by him. TV for me is just not productive enough for me -reading or web page work, making gifts is better or it was.  I find myself holding back my emotions at times now feeling tired of them. The emotional waves still exist, yesterday and today I notice in the morning I brushed my teeth when I got in my shower and found myself brushing again, thinking “I did this already” then giggle at myself as I turned my water off in my shower. While making my pour over type coffee I totally spaced putting the drip thing on my coffee cup that was sitting on the counter behind me. My coffee flowed across the counter before I saw. At this point, I said there is a big one coming felt silly and cleaned up my mess.  Last Thursday was one of those moments that I am just not being able to stop me from crying. My first born talked me better over the phone-I was so wrapped up in the thought of why am I even here-I have no purpose. I am aware this is not healthy thinking but you know when your gratitude thoughts are hard to grab onto this is what happens, hope this helps you fell not alone, till we write again, riding life as best as I can.

January 2017 For me, the list below (author unknown to me) is very true, after suddenly losing a grandchild in 2009, then 2010 one year later to the day my best friend of 47 years whom I assisted in her final hours. 2015 when just returning to a new normal life, we were told our best friend had 18 months to live-she did it beautifully with so much strength till we lost her at about eighteen months later. In her final few months she cared for me from the very day my Husband unexpectedly ascended Feb.2,2016 without warning, she slept on my couch many nights so I would not be alone. She was there to help me close my husband and my business, she was the last of my most trusted friends at that time.

Below #4, 5, 6, were harder to accept after my husband left. I had a test done on my heart as you really can not tell.
#10,11,12, you learn and really get hours of practice in patience for yourself and that you’re not crazy.
#16 I mastered a smile while tears ran down my cheeks to give comfort to those with you when this happens.
#19 I so missed reading, then admitting to someone that you really can not follow what they are saying is not always what they like to hear-but it is true.
#20 so much seemed unfair that I was still here and he was not, making the first year a tougher time.
#21 I so love to smell his clothes-it has been 11 months since he left.
#22, in the beginning, it is a memory on replay 24-7.
#24 I am doing, #26 is close to keeping what your loved one gave you, as you are almost re-born a new you.
If # 27 is about feeling if you do or say the right thing they will return, even when you know that cannot happen -but you find yourself feeling it.
Please understand this is my adventure and we all have our own. Just be kind to yourself, know that what you feel in most cases is OK, time will return you some time and you will be a different you. My belief-hope this helps. Hospice has great classes and monthly meetings if you would like the comfort of being with others that share your adventure, with Sheryl (My friend of 47 years) I felt most people did not really understand what grief was and I felt it was uncomfortable for most to be around me. The class was comforting to be with others. It is not easy for me to accept that death is simply a part of life, yet, even if true.

NORMAL MANIFESTATIONS OF GRIEF
1. Loss of appetite, nausea, diarrhea
2. Feeling of emptiness in the stomach
3. Lump in the throat
4. Tightness in the chest
5. Feeling of weakness
6 Palpitations
7. Inability to sleep, early morning awakening, extreme fatigue
8. Grinding the teeth during sleep
9. Dryness of the mouth
10. Inability to concentrate, forgetfulness regarding what is being done in the
middle of a task, forget what is being said in the middle of a sentence
11. Loss of time perception
12. Difficulty with remembering or maintaining a schedule
13. Intense sense of loneliness and feeling of social isolation
14. Overwhelming sense of sadness
15. Longing for life to return to the way it was
16. Crying at unanticipated times
17. Over-sensitivity to noise
18. Breathlessness, frequent sighing
19. Restlessness, inability to complete normal tasks or read a book
20. Experience occasions of resentment that “life goes on” for others
21. Hear, smell, see loved one, particularly in familiar settings
22. Need to retell the details of the loss again and again
23. Experience a feeling of anger at the loved one for dying
24. Temporarily attempt to preserve life “as it was” for the loved one
25. Have recurrent feelings of guilt or remorse
26. Assume characteristics, mannerisms of the loved one
27. Have a sense of unreality about life and the death of the loved one

Venlafaxine experience, Venlafaxine is a prescription I agreed to take mostly for my youngest daughters sake so she could feel better returning to her home out of town. It is said to be a mild antidepressant it slows down your dissipation of your serotonin supply so you are building more supply. Sounded harmless for a man-made drug I do not believe in. Not sure what it did for me but I took it for a year gained 20 pounds and could not change that. I had been taking 3 at night -when I started with one and gradually increased well you must gradually decrease when you want to stop. So from April to July 2016 I decreased and ended taking them, now more than one year after my loss. Well from mid-August to mid-September I dealt with all those thoughts I had the week after Ted’s passing. Now being a year and a half by now since Ted acceded, just a year since BFF Peggy, 7 years since BFF of 47 years, 8 since baby Kieran several others-Family, brother, nephew, friends in-between and sometimes it feels like they all left recently.

AFTER the Venlafaxine experience

By the last week in September 2016 to now November 2016 I have gratefully felt like MY mind is returning, the cloud that made it hard to think is gone, I also lost 5 lbs so those drugs MUST be leaving my system, as I mentioned I had gain 20lbs and never budged from it. My mind still returns to that morning Ted left and lying in bed with my friend Sheryl while she was leaving. I then think of all that I am grateful for with times spent together-good times. Grief can be a tough process but I would never want to suppress my thoughts of those I have lost as it seems unfair. Gratitude is the best for healing I have found.Learning to go to heartwarming memories of them all, as they gave so much love to me. I can say I have been LOVED. If you are reading this please comment, I only hope to share my experience so others can see they are not alone. Continuing life with peace and love, no matter what.

Beginning to remember bits of a dream now when I wake. Have not had Ted come to me in my dreams as others have enjoyed. I am beginning to be able to see his face in my mind, I saw him playing Miles and Miles of Texas in my mind as I listen to the boys play. I have not been seeing my Counselor very often I felt I was beginning to pay to see her other than going out and making new friends to talk to. I am dreading giving myself to others just for them to go away-I know this is thinking I must get over. I have had to try not stress over money matters and create things to help. Even applied for work at Winter Ridge in the afternoons I am hoping. I watch and waste too much time sitting in front of the TV, although it does relieve all the anxiety by escaping into a series able to watch episode after episode. In the beginning of this new habit, I would think how Ted would have been so happy if I could of sat in front of the TV like now when he was here and be sitting by him. TV for me is just not productive enough for me -reading or web page work, making gifts is better or it was.  I find myself holding back my emotions at times feeling tired of them. The emotional waves still exist, yesterday and today I notice in the morning I brushed my teeth when I got in my shower and found myself brushing again, thinking “I did this already” then giggle at myself as I turned my water off in my shower. While making my pour over type coffee I totally spaced putting the drip thing on my coffee cup sitting on the counter behind me. My coffee flowed across the counter before I saw. At this point, I said there is a big one coming. Last Thursday was one of those moments that I am just not being able to stop me from crying. My first born talked me better over the phone-I was so wrapped up in the thought of why am I even here-I have no purpose. I am aware this is not healthy thinking but you know when your gratitude thoughts are hard to grab onto this is what happens, till we write again, riding life as best as I can.